When and How to Ask the Right Questions About School to Your Child
The wrong moment can close a door
Imagine this: you've just picked your daughter up from school. She's flushed, backpack slung low, eyes glazed from a long day. You ask, "How was school?" She shrugs. "Fine." You try again: "What did you learn?" Nothing. Silence drapes the car like fog. Sound familiar?
For so many of us—loving, engaged parents trying to stay close to what our kids are experiencing—those few precious minutes between the classroom and the dinner table feel like lost opportunities. You want to understand how your child is doing. You want to know what sparks or stresses them. But finding the right way, and time, to ask... that's the daily mystery.
Timing matters more than we think
Right after school may not be the golden moment we hope it to be. Think about your own mental state after a long meeting or stressful day. When you're still processing, tired, hungry, or overstimulated, you're unlikely to launch into a vulnerable or detailed conversation.
Kids are no different. In fact, for children aged 6 to 12, their emotional regulation is still in development. The after-school shutdown—those one-word answers or sudden irritability—may reflect mental fatigue more than resistance.
Consider instead giving them a moment to transition. Offer a snack. Turn on their favorite music. Give them space in the car to just be. Later, perhaps while cuddling during bedtime, or doing a quiet activity, revisit with a gentle question like, "Something funny happen today?" or "Was there a moment you felt proud at school this week?"
The questions that open rather than close
Many kids dread questions that feel like mini-tests: "What did you learn today?" or "Did you behave well?" They often don’t have simple answers—and sometimes feel judged just by the question.
Instead, try questions that invite stories or emotions. A few you might keep in your pocket:
- "When did you laugh today?"
- "What part of the day felt really long?"
- "Was there a moment you wished I could’ve been there with you?"
- “Who seemed to be having a rough day today?”
These questions take pressure off performance and lean into connection. They show your child that you're interested in their experience—not just their grades or behavior.
When worry is wrapped in silence
Some children don’t open up because they don’t have the words yet to describe what they’re feeling—or they fear being misunderstood. Behind silence can sit shame, confusion, or even beliefs like, “I’m bad at school,” or “Mom will be mad if I tell her.” If this rings true in your household, here’s a guide to what to do when your child says they’re bad at school.
Other times, what’s needed is a shift from language to other ways of connecting. For example, if your child’s having trouble concentrating in class, but shuts down when you try to talk about it—you might use their school material together in a way that feels more playful. We've seen parents use a tool like the Skuli app, which turns written school lessons into personalized audio adventures where their child becomes the hero. Suddenly, they're engaging with the material and opening up about it—without even realizing that they're processing their day.
Trust emerges over time, not urgency
It's tempting to want instant access to our child’s mind. But trust doesn’t grow through probing. It grows through presence, respect, and consistency. Even if your child doesn't open up today, your quiet message is: “I care, I’m here, and I’ll be waiting when you’re ready.”
One parent I worked with had a son who'd always say, “Nothing happened today,” every time she asked about school. She eventually backed off, focused instead on shared rituals—a 10-minute game before dinner, weekend pancakes. Then one night, brushing his teeth, he blurted, out of nowhere: “You know, I wish Mr. Lewis didn’t read our stories out loud. It makes me anxious.” It happened on his timeline, not hers. That’s the trust we’re building toward.
Let their behavior guide your curiosity
Sometimes we listen more with our eyes than our ears. Is your child more irritable lately? Avoiding homework? Mentioning stomachaches before school? These could be indicators of deeper stress. Check out our guide on how to talk about school struggles without shutting them down.
Don’t forget that school is a complex environment: social dynamics, teacher relationships, academic expectations. If your child avoids talking about specific people (“I hate my teacher,” “no one plays with me”), take it seriously—but gently. You might find this article on what to do when your child is afraid to speak to their teacher helpful.
Give permission to feel—all of it
When children know it's okay to say "I was bored," or "I'm scared I'm not good at math," or "I don’t get some of the words the teacher uses," we offer them emotional freedom. But that starts with the tone we set. How you respond matters more than what you ask. Listen with your eyebrows raised, not furrowed. Reflect back without jumping to solutions.
If your child says, “School is useless,” instead of defending it (“Of course it’s not—school helps you learn!”), try saying, “Sounds like it feels pointless right now. What made you say that?” You may find this helpful response guide for when your child questions the value of school.
It’s not just about answers—it’s about connection
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to extract a full rundown of your child’s day. It’s to stay tethered to their world: their joys, their fears, their questions. Conversations about school aren’t interrogations. They’re invitations. And as with all invitations, timing, tone, and trust are everything.