How to Talk to Your Child About School Struggles Without Shutting Them Down

When Your Child Starts to Pull Away

If you've ever asked your child, "How was school?" and got little more than a shrug or a grunt in return, you're not alone. For parents of children aged 6 to 12, especially those who are already struggling with homework or confidence in the classroom, these moments at the dinner table or in the car can become silent battlegrounds. Behind that shrug might be shame, fear, or frustration. And behind your concern? A deep desire to help—without pushing them away.

Understanding the Wall: Why Kids Shut Down

First, it’s important to remember that kids don’t shut down during school conversations because they’re lazy or ungrateful. Often, they’re overwhelmed. Maybe your son couldn’t follow the math lesson and now dreads being asked about it. Maybe your daughter didn’t understand the assignment and feels embarrassed. Or maybe school just feels like a place where they always fall short.

When a child says they don’t want to talk about school, it helps to ask yourself: Am I making space for their feelings, or am I rushing to fix?

Sometimes, even well-intentioned questions like “Did you do your math homework?” can feel like pressure to a child already doubting their abilities. If you’ve heard things like, “I’m just bad at school,” you might benefit from this article that explores how to respond with empathy instead of solutions.

Shifting the Conversation: Curiosity Over Control

Kids are far more likely to open up when they feel seen, not judged. This doesn’t mean ignoring issues, but leading with curiosity instead of correction. Try swapping “Did you finish your French project?” with “What part of your French project are you liking the most?” Even the phrasing, “Tell me what was hardest today,” can feel more like an invitation and less like an interrogation.

It’s also powerful to share your own childhood experiences with school. Did you struggle with spelling? Get nervous during class presentations? Children love to know that their hero—you—was once in their shoes. Vulnerability builds connection.

Creating Safe Spaces for School Talks

Not every conversation has to be face-to-face or formal. Some kids talk more while riding their bikes, playing Legos, or when snuggled quietly at bedtime. Others feel freer to express themselves through drawing or stories.

One mom I worked with noticed her 8-year-old son was more open during car rides. So, instead of quizzing him after school, she began playing the day’s lesson as audio. She used the Skuli app to turn his science notes into storytelling adventures—he even got to be the main character in his own ‘volcano mission.’ Listening first sparked organic discussions, because he felt involved, not tested.

Let Them Teach You

Another powerful trick? Let your child be the teacher. Even if they’re struggling with a concept, asking them to explain something to you—however messy or incomplete—boosts confidence and gives you insight into their thinking. Sit beside them while they read, and instead of correcting, ask, “What do you think this means?”

Even small affirmations like “That’s an interesting way to think about it” or “I never saw it that way” can anchor self-worth. When kids struggle at school, they begin to believe their thoughts don’t matter. Your curiosity proves they do.

Dealing With Resistance

Still hearing “I don't want to talk about it”? That’s okay. Some children are afraid you’ll be disappointed in their grades—or worse, angry. In our exploration of why some kids avoid grade discussions, we found that even subtle facial expressions can shut down future dialogue.

Try reminding your child gently: “I care more about how you feel than what your grade says.” Then prove it by listening without rushing to advice. Over time, this reassurance builds trust. They’ll talk—just not always on your schedule.

If They’re Afraid to Speak Up at School

Sometimes a child’s school struggles stem not from academics, but from the anxiety of asking questions or being seen. If your child hesitates to approach their teacher, it’s helpful to explore what might be behind that fear. Are they afraid of looking 'dumb'? Worried they’ll get in trouble?

In our article on kids afraid to speak to teachers, we guide parents through strategies to role-play conversations and build bravery through small steps.

Listening as a Daily Habit

Talking about school shouldn’t just be a reaction to bad grades or missing homework. Aim to make conversations about learning part of your everyday life. Ask open-ended questions like, “What surprised you today?” or “If you could change one rule at school, what would it be?”

Above all, remember that your child isn’t just a student. They’re a whole person with emotions, fears, strengths, and stories to tell. When you talk about school with compassion—not just concern—you give them permission to show up as they are.

Additional Resources

• Why You Should Always Take Your Child's School Stories Seriously
• What to Say When Your Daughter Thinks School is Useless

Sometimes, progress begins not with solving the problem, but with saying: “I see you. I’m here. I’m listening.”