Behind the Agitation: Listening to What Your Child Really Needs

When Behavior Speaks Louder Than Words

It was around week three of fourth grade when Amélie’s teacher called. “She’s very distracted,” the teacher said gently, “constantly tapping her pencil, blurting out answers, leaving her seat… It’s hard for her to focus.”

Amélie’s mom sighed into the phone. They’d had another tough evening just the night before — tears over homework, slammed doors, and then silence all through dinner. “She just won’t listen,” she had told her partner. But now, listening to the teacher describe her daughter’s day, a quiet thought formed in her mind: Maybe Amélie was the one who was asking to be heard.

Children Don't Always Have the Words

At this age — 6 to 12 — children are in a whirlwind of development. They’re learning how to express complex emotions, understand social norms, wrestle with academic pressure, and keep it all together. That’s a big ask.

When a child is agitated — pacing during homework time, groaning over a reading assignment, refusing to sit still in class — it can look like defiance or laziness. But more often, it’s something else entirely: a need we haven’t seen or understood.

In fact, many children who struggle in traditional learning environments don’t have a “problem” at all. They simply learn or express themselves differently. Here’s what that might look like in school.

What’s Beneath the Surface?

Behavior is communication. A child who throws their backpack across the room after school might be telling you they’re overwhelmed. One who whines or explodes during homework might be saying it’s too hard — or that they feel ashamed not knowing where to start.

It’s tempting to address the visible symptoms ("Stop acting out! Get your work done!"), but the real shift happens when we respond to what lies beneath. This begins with one powerful tool: presence.

Practice Listening With Your Whole Self

Listening isn’t just hearing words. It’s observation, openness, and curiosity. When your child is stressed, resisting homework, or acting out, ask yourself:

• What might they be feeling right now?
• Have they had a particularly difficult day — socially, academically, or emotionally?
• Are they being asked to work in a way that doesn’t match how they learn best?

One parent I worked with shared how her son struggled constantly with reading. Every night was a battle — he’d cry, stall, or declare that he was “stupid.” After months of frustration, she learned that he actually loved stories — just not sitting to read them. Once she started using audiobooks with him, things shifted. He was calmer, more engaged. His brain wasn’t the issue — the format was.

That’s why alternatives like turning text into audio, especially ones that include the child's name and turn lessons into engaging, personalized adventures — like the experiences offered by Skuli — can open powerful new learning doors. Some children retain information much better when they hear it, especially during low-pressure times like car rides or before bed.

Slow Down: Connection Over Correction

In our rush to fix the problem or “get the homework done,” we often miss the moment to connect. Sometimes, our children don’t need a solution — they need us to kneel beside them, truly see them, and say, “This seems really hard right now. Want to tell me about it?”

Connection builds trust. And trust makes space for learning. When kids know we’re not just focused on their performance, but invested in their experience, their defenses lower — and their brains open up to understanding.

If your child often says they hate school, there’s usually pain behind those words. This article can help decode that message.

Reframe “Difficult” Behavior

A child who seems constantly disruptive or inattentive may in fact be highly sensitive, deeply intelligent, or simply wired differently. Our education system tends to reward sitting still, following instructions, and staying quiet — but not all brains thrive under those conditions.

This doesn’t mean we ignore boundaries or expectations. But it does mean we get curious. What looks like disruption can be something else entirely — a need for movement, a sign of anxiety, even a creative mind seeking stimulation.

You’re not alone in this. Many parents see their child struggling and wonder, “Is something wrong?” The answer is often, “Not wrong — just different.” Here’s how to support a child who doesn’t fit the mold.

Create Safe Routines and Small Wins

Routines provide predictability — something kids who feel overwhelmed desperately need. But flexibility within the routine is key. If traditional homework time always leads to meltdowns, try:

• Breaking lessons into short sessions (10-15 minutes with movement breaks)
• Letting your child choose the order of tasks (giving back some control)
• Using tools that adapt the format to your child’s learning style (audio, quizzes, interactive storytelling)

A great way to restart motivation is to offer choices that give your child a sense of ownership. For example, instead of saying "Do your math now," try "Would you rather do 10 minutes of math or read first?”

And celebrate wins — no matter how small. "You stayed focused for five minutes! I saw how hard that was. That’s a big success."

Above All, Remember: You Know Your Child Best

The experts and educators might have strategies, but you’re the one who sees your child’s full picture. When they’re agitated, anxious, or defiant, your calm presence, your belief in who they are — not just who they need to become — is the real game-changer.

If following school instructions is tough for your child, there could be underlying processing challenges at play. Here's how to help when instructions don't land.

Beneath every meltdown is a message. Behind the resistance, there’s a reason. And beyond the chaos is a child who desperately wants to be understood. When we listen — truly listen — we meet them where they are. And from there, everything becomes possible.