What to Do When the Teacher Says Your Child Is Being Disrespectful

When the Phone Call Comes

Your day is going fine—until your phone rings. It’s your child’s teacher. There's a quiet pause, then the word you weren’t expecting drops into the conversation: “insolent.” You listen. You nod. You maybe even feel your face get warm. Afterwards, one emotion might dominate: shame, confusion, or maybe defensiveness. How did this happen?

You’re not alone. Parents often feel blindsided by remarks like these. And below the label of “insolence” is usually something far more complex—and far more important to understand.

What Does "Insolent" Really Mean in the Classroom?

When a teacher says a child is insolent, they usually mean that the child is being combative, sarcastic, or dismissive in a way that feels challenging to adult authority. But the label itself is subjective. What one adult sees as cheeky, another might interpret as curious or expressive.

Take Maya, a bright nine-year-old who constantly asks, “But why do we have to do it this way?” To her teacher, already juggling a noisy classroom, Maya’s persistent questions felt like defiance. To Maya's parents, they sounded a lot like curiosity mixed with frustration.

Before reacting, take a breath and remember: this isn’t just about discipline. It’s communication. And your child may be trying, imperfectly, to express something that matters.

Start with Curiosity, Not Blame

Your child hears more than we think. If they sense judgment in your voice—directed at them or the teacher—they may shut down. Instead, try to understand what happened from both points of view.

Begin with gentle questions:

• "How was your day?" (Start broadly—kids may not jump into the conflict right away.)
• "Did anything make you feel upset or misunderstood today?"
• "When your teacher said you were being disrespectful, what do you think they meant?"

Remember, children between six and twelve are still learning how to manage frustration, advocate for themselves, and challenge authority respectfully. Mistakes are part of that growth.

Peeling Back the Layers

Insolence is often a surface symptom of deeper issues. Is your child bored, overwhelmed, or feeling like they don’t belong? A child who rolls their eyes or talks back may be signaling stress they can’t quite put into words.

We’ve explored this in Understanding the Disruptive Student, where we talk about how behavior that frustrates teachers often has rich emotional roots. For instance, some kids act out when they feel unseen or misunderstood. Others may be masking anxiety or learning differences.

In these situations, empathy opens doors. Instead of, "Don’t talk to your teacher like that," try, "Sounds like you were frustrated. What were you trying to say?”

Bridge the Gap Between Home and School

If you can, request a short meeting with the teacher—not to argue, but to collaborate. Share what you’ve learned from speaking with your child. Ask for the teacher’s observations. Together, try to identify the context: When does the behavior happen? What usually triggers it?

For example, if your child feels ignored when raising their hand and starts talking out of turn, that “disrespect” might actually be a cry to connect. Or if spelling tests leave them in tears and they mock the assignment, it could signal deeper academic stress or shame.

That’s why we recommend reading How to Help a Child Who Struggles to Fit into School, which explores how behavioral issues are often about adaptation—not rebellion.

Reframe the Behavior at Home

At home, help your child build the skills they need to express themselves more constructively. Role-play tricky scenarios. Model respectful disagreement in your own conversations. Praise efforts to explain their feelings—even when it's clumsy.

Books, stories, and games can help too. Some parents find that kids reflect better when they’re not directly under the spotlight. Imagine listening to a story where your child is the main character, navigating tricky school social moments—and making better choices along the way. That’s a feature we love in the Skuli App, which lets the parent turn a lesson or concept into a customized audio adventure starring their child's first name. In the car or before bed, it opens the door for gentle reflection… without a lecture.

Check for Learning Struggles

Sometimes, kids lash out in frustration because they’re falling behind and don't know how to say it. The child who says, “This is so stupid!” might really mean, “This is so hard, and I feel stupid.”

This is especially common for kids with learning differences or attention difficulties. If that sounds familiar, you might want to revisit our guide: Wandering Attention at School. It reminds us that how a child learns can be radically different from how we were taught—and that’s okay.

If your child struggles with written lessons, for example, try alternative formats. Reading aloud together, or listening to audio versions of schoolwork, can ease the pressure and reduce the outbursts that come from overwhelm.

Strengthen the Relationship First

Above all, remember this: your connection with your child matters more than their conduct today.

When kids feel safe, respected, and deeply known by us, they are more likely to take our guidance to heart. If we jump to punishment or shame, the distance grows. If we stay steady, even when their behavior tests us, we build trust—and that's the foundation of lasting change.

As we talk about in Behind the Agitation: Listening to What Your Child Really Needs, what many kids need most isn’t obedience—but understanding. When you offer that, even when they’ve messed up, you teach them something no reprimand can deliver: how to be calm, even when it’s hard. How to be respectful, even when they’re upset. And how to begin again.