What Not to Say When Your Child Is Struggling at School: Words That Hurt (and What Helps Instead)

When Words Weigh More Than We Realize

It happens at the end of a long day. You're tired, your child is even more tired, and yet there it is again: the homework battle, the tears over a math problem, or the report card that quietly confirms what you feared. In these moments, the words we say—often said in frustration or worry—can sit heavily on our child’s shoulders. Not because we mean harm, but because behind those words, children hear something else: pressure, disappointment, or the belief that they're failing.

Let’s take a breath together. If you're reading this, it's because you care deeply about helping your child feel supported—not pushed. The good news? Shifting the way we speak doesn't require perfect parenting. It requires presence, empathy, and a little practice.

The Hidden Impact of Certain Phrases

Words can either build our child’s belief in themselves—or quietly chip away at it. And sometimes, even phrases we think are encouraging can unintentionally reinforce shame or anxiety. Consider these commonly used expressions:

• “You’re just not trying hard enough.” – This assumes laziness where there might be frustration, confusion, or even undiagnosed learning challenges. Many kids refuse homework not out of defiance, but overwhelm.
• “Your sister can do it, why can't you?” – Comparisons—even innocent ones—send the message: who you are isn’t good enough.
• “We’ve been over this already!” – While natural to feel exasperated, this phrase invalidates their struggle to grasp something. For some, concentration or cognitive processing looks very different from how we might expect it to work.
• “If you’d just focus, you'd get it.” – Focus isn’t always a choice. It can be affected by anxiety, neurodiversity, or how information is presented.

Imagine being a child and interpreting these messages not as feedback, but as proof that their confusion is a personal flaw. Over time, these words shape the stories children tell themselves about learning—and worst of all, about their worth.

What to Say Instead (And Why It Matters)

When a child is struggling, the goal is not to sugar-coat reality but to become their ally, their emotional safety net. Here’s how to shift the narrative:

Start with curiosity, not blame: “I see this part is tough—can we figure out together what’s making it tricky?” This approach invites your child into problem-solving and comforts them with your presence. You're saying: 'You're not alone.'

Validate feelings without letting them drown: “It makes sense that you're frustrated. Can I help you try a new way?” Kids often shut down not because they don't care, but because they care too much—and feel like they’re failing anyway.

Replace comparisons with connection: “Everyone learns differently. Let's figure out what works for you.” Some children are visual learners. Others grasp things more easily when they hear them. That’s why some families find it helpful to use tools that match their child’s preferred learning path—like reading a lesson aloud on paper, and then listening back to it together while driving or cooking dinner. (Some apps even let you turn a written lesson into a story where your child is the hero, using their name. One such app, Skuli, makes these adventures come to life with just a photo of the homework.)

Replace “try harder” with “let's try differently”: This encourages adaptability over perfectionism—a major life skill.

A Real-Life Shift: When Listening Replaced Lecturing

Marie, a mom of an 8-year-old named Hugo, reached out to me after one too many homework meltdowns. “He’d crumple the page and yell he’s stupid,” she told me. She found herself repeating the same phrase: “But we just did this last night! Why don’t you remember?”

After we talked, she tried something new. The next evening, Hugo was stuck on a reading comprehension passage. Instead of correcting him, she said, “This part is tricky, right? Want to hear it like a story instead?” She rephrased the lesson aloud and gave it an imaginative twist—Hugo began to engage.

Later, with the help of Skuli, she turned similar lessons into audio adventures for Hugo to listen to during bedtime, using his name in the story. “He didn’t even know he was reviewing schoolwork,” Marie said, laughing. “But the next week, he contributed in class. His teacher emailed me to say he was more confident.” It wasn't the content that had changed—it was the tone, the delivery, the partnership.

When Emotions Mask Learning Differences

It’s important to remember that recurring school struggles might not be about motivation at all. Sometimes, they’re clues. If your child gets labeled as “disruptive,” “lazy,” or “rude,” ask yourself: what else might be going on? We've explored this in this article about misunderstood behavior and another on how fidgeting might signal a deeper need.

An outward behavior (avoidance, chatter, fidgeting) is often the surface. Look underneath it with compassion. Is your child bored? (Here’s what boredom can really look like.) Is your child feeling embarrassed or ashamed?

Shifting the Story—Together

No parent gets it right all the time. We say the wrong thing, we raise our voice, we push when we could have paused. But each evening is another chance. To sit beside them instead of over them. To reframe the problem as something solvable. To speak with the faith that they are already enough—as they are—and that the rest can be figured out together.

The words you choose don’t need to be perfect. They just need to say: “I see you. I’m with you. We’ve got this.”