They Say He's Rude—But What If It's Just a Lack of Understanding?

When Misbehavior Isn’t What It Seems

"He talks back in class." "She rolls her eyes every time I give her instructions." "He refuses to follow basic rules!" As a parent, hearing this kind of feedback from teachers can make your heart sink. It’s tough not to feel blamed—or to wonder what you’re doing wrong. But what if the behavior being labeled as "insolent" wasn’t actually disrespect at all?

What if it was confusion, stress, or frustration bubbling to the surface? What if your child isn’t trying to be defiant, but is simply overwhelmed by something they can’t quite name?

From Misunderstood to Misjudged

Take 8-year-old Liam, for example. His teacher described him as combative and disruptive. He often argued when corrected, and refused to do his written assignments without a fuss. His parents were exhausted from hearing report after report of his outbursts. But after months of friction, a school counselor finally suggested a learning evaluation.

The results? Liam had undiagnosed dysgraphia—a learning difference that makes writing not only difficult, but physically painful. What had looked like stubbornness was actually a child trying to avoid an impossible task. Nobody had noticed the connection. And his behavior? Suddenly, it made sense.

This story isn’t rare. Many seemingly "difficult" behaviors are actually signals that something deeper is going on.

The Behaviors We Too Quickly Call Insolent

When kids feel cornered by what they don't understand—or ashamed of what they can't do—their bodies and brains switch into defense mode. That might look like sarcasm. Or eye-rolling. Or walking away.

These behaviors are rarely about the adult standing in front of them. They're coping mechanisms. Protective strategies. The only tools the child has at the moment to manage their discomfort.

Instead of interpreting these signs at face value, we owe it to our children to ask: Why is this happening? And what might this behavior be trying to tell us?

Redirecting the Focus: From Obedience to Understanding

If your child is being described as rude, disrespectful, or oppositional in school, consider taking a step back and looking at the full picture. Reflect on these possibilities:

• Could your child be unable to understand the instructions being given? Executive functioning issues or ADHD can make multi-step directions feel impossible to follow. Learn more about why your child can't seem to focus at school.
• Are they trying to mask a deeper learning difficulty? Children who feel lost often pretend not to care. If this feels familiar, it may be time to investigate potential hidden learning disorders. You can start by reading how to spot a hidden learning disorder behind your child's misbehavior.
• Is this a child who thrives in motion or through sound—yet is stuck at a desk being asked to read endless pages? Some children need alternative ways to access knowledge. They aren't being disrespectful; they're simply not engaging with material presented in a way they can absorb.

Curious, active, and even funny kids can quickly be flagged as problems if their learning styles don’t fit a traditional mold. As explored in this piece on disruptive but bored students, classroom environments aren’t always designed with neurodiverse learners in mind.

What You Can Do at Home

As a parent, the most powerful thing you can offer your child is a sense of safety and belief. Even when school feels like a battlefield, home can remain a refuge. Here are a few suggestions to reframe your approach and support your child’s learning beneath the surface:

• Get curious before you correct. When your child refuses to do homework or snaps at a question, try responding with curiosity instead of discipline. Ask, gently: "Was it too hard today? Did something confuse you?"
• Look for patterns in their frustration. Do meltdowns only happen during math or reading? Is there resistance to reading-covered assignments but not to hands-on activities? Patterns tell us a lot about what's truly going on.
• Collaborate on learning adaptations. If your child learns better through sound than through reading, try making their lessons available in audio form—perhaps played in the car during the school run, or while they’re doodling. Tools like the Skuli App can turn a written lesson into a personalized audio adventure where your child is the hero, helping them engage without overwhelm.

Sometimes the best learning unfolds when children don’t even realize they’re studying.

When It’s More Than a Phase

If disruptive or defensive behavior persists despite your efforts, it’s worth considering a formal evaluation to rule out learning differences. The earlier you understand the ‘why’ behind your child’s actions, the sooner you can begin finding concrete strategies that work for them—not against them.

In many cases, what looks like laziness or defiance is simply a sign that a child is struggling. If that resonates deeply, there’s more insight waiting for you in this article on identifying whether your child is lazy or just struggling.

Shifting the Narrative

The words we use to describe kids shape how they see themselves. A label like "insolent" can stick—unfairly and for years—when what the child really needs is help. Let’s stop assuming the worst and start asking better questions.

Not “Why is she being rude?” but “What is she trying to tell me?”

Not “Why won’t he do his homework?” but “What’s getting in the way?”

As parents, we have the power to change not just the story around our children—but the paths they walk as they grow. It starts with choosing compassion over control, and curiosity over criticism.

And it starts today.