How to Encourage Your Child by Praising Effort, Not Just Results

Why focusing only on results may hurt more than help

"He worked so hard on this project, but the teacher only commented on the grade." A phrase I recently heard from a mom, exhausted and unsure how to keep her son's motivation alive. Many parents understand this frustration deeply—watching their child put in effort, only to feel diminished when the outcome doesn’t match the expectation.

When we constantly praise achievements—grades, trophies, wins—we subtly teach our kids that effort alone isn't enough. And for children between 6 and 12, especially those struggling with school or learning differences, the pressure to “perform well” can turn learning into something to fear instead of enjoy.

The problem with results-based praise

We all want to build our children's confidence. But when we repeatedly say, “Good job! You got an A!” we risk linking their sense of worth to external validation. This can be particularly damaging if your child deals with test anxiety or a fear of mistakes.

Children begin to associate success with being smart, and failure with not being good enough. They may start hesitating to try something hard, fearing they won’t excel. Eventually, many stop trying at all rather than risk failure.

The shift: praising the process

What if, instead of focusing on the A, we focused on what it took to get there—or even the courage to try in the first place?

This is the foundation of what psychologists call a “growth mindset”—the belief that intelligence and ability can be developed over time. Praising effort sends the message that struggle is part of learning, that perseverance matters more than perfection.

In everyday life, this means replacing phrases like “You’re so smart” with:

• “I noticed how long you stuck with that problem, even when it was confusing.”
• “You asked a really great question today—that takes courage.”
• “I’m proud of how you didn’t give up when it got hard.”

These simple reframes help your child internalize the idea that learning is a journey. This becomes especially important when they encounter setbacks—which they all will.

Making mistakes visible—and valuable

One of the toughest challenges for many parents is helping kids bounce back after failure. Children who believe mistakes are signs of not being good enough are more likely to shut down completely. If your child avoids class participation or refuses to do homework after one bad grade, they’re not alone—and it’s not a matter of laziness.

Our article on what to do when your child gives up after making a mistake dives deeper into this, but the short version is this: when we normalize failure and model resilience, kids feel safer to try again.

Around the dinner table, share your own “fails” from the day—back-to-back Zoom meetings, forgetting the grocery list, messing up a presentation. Let your child see that mistakes don’t mean the end of the road; they’re simply part of the ride.

Rethinking learning, one effort at a time

For children who don’t retain information well through traditional studying, focusing on effort means also adjusting how we support them in their learning styles. Say your child doesn’t remember content just by reading—or becomes overwhelmed by long texts. Do they still get praised for “trying” if the test result says otherwise?

This is where tools like the Skuli App can gently support your approach: your child can snap a photo of a lesson and instantly turn it into a 20-question review quiz. That quiz, based on the materials they actually had trouble with, becomes an opportunity to reinforce learning through active recall—regardless of how they do on the next test. You'll be able to praise the consistency, the problem-solving, the willingness to try a new method.

How your words shape your child's sense of self

Children between 6 and 12 are forming a blueprint of who they are. The words you say now—even if you’re tired, running on coffee, and juggling a million things—matter deeply. Especially when they reflect who your child is becoming, not just what they produced.

Notice the difference between:

• "You’re the best in math!" versus "I’m impressed by how you approached that math challenge with patience."
• "Perfect spelling test!" versus "I saw you practice your spelling words every morning this week. That’s real dedication."

By consistently acknowledging the effort behind the outcome, you lay the foundation for resilience, curiosity, and confidence.

When effort isn't enough (and that's okay too)

Of course, there will be days when your child tries, and still struggles. Days where effort doesn’t lead to understanding—where their frustration trumps their focus. In those moments, the message your child needs most is: “I see how hard you worked, and I’m so proud of you for not giving up.”

It's also a good moment to reflect on how your child responds to mistakes. Are they afraid to try again? Avoid homework time altogether? You might start unearthing beliefs they've formed about what success and failure mean.

Creating a home culture of learning—not just performing

Imagine this: your child gets a C on a science quiz, but they spent three days studying, asked you for help, and even turned their notes into an audio story they listened to in the car. That’s success. Not in the gradebook—but in the growth book.

There’s a big shift that happens when kids know they’ll be praised for their progress, not their perfection. They begin to feel safer inside the learning process. They start taking more risks, asking more questions in class (yes, even the shy ones), and may even bring home more results—but not because that’s what you asked for.

Because you believed in their effort first.

And that belief plants something much deeper than a moment of pride. It builds a way of being that will serve them far beyond their school years.

If your child is currently struggling with fear of failure, check out our article on what it means when a child avoids participation. You’re not alone in this.