How to Answer Your Child’s Toughest Questions About Divorce
When a Simple Question Cuts Deep
“Why don’t you love Mommy anymore?”
It’s the kind of question that makes your heart skip a beat. You were loading the dishwasher or helping with spelling homework when your eight-year-old popped it out with eyes wide open. It’s honest, raw, and entirely appropriate given what your child is living through. But how do you respond to something like that… especially when you’re barely holding it together yourself?
Parents navigating a divorce often find themselves walking an emotional tightrope. You’re trying to balance your own pain with your child’s confusion, and on top of that, maintain their learning, homework, bedtime routines… life. If you're here, reading this, it means you care deeply—and that’s always the best starting point.
Children Ask Because They Need Safety, Not Details
When your child—whether they’re six or twelve—asks you something hard about the divorce, it’s important to remember that their question is not always about the words they choose. “Is it my fault?” may sound like they believe they caused it, but what they might really be asking is, “Am I still safe? Are you still here for me?”
Kids in this age group are starting to connect dots but don’t yet have the emotional vocabulary or life experience to express what they’re feeling. When they ask things like:
- “Are you and Dad ever getting back together?”
- “Why do I have to live in two houses?”
- “Whose fault is it?”
…they’re often looking for reassurance that their world isn’t collapsing around them.
Answer From a Place of Grounded Calm
You may not feel calm, and that’s okay. But when the question comes, take a breath. Make space for the moment. You don’t need a perfect answer—you need a truthful one that matches your child’s age and protects their emotional world.
For younger children (6–8), keep it simple and centered on love. You might say:
“Mom and I don’t live together anymore because we are better parents when we’re apart. But we both love you very much and always will.”
For older kids (9–12), they might push for more specifics. Even then, keep your tone neutral and avoid blame:
“There were some problems between us that we couldn’t fix. We decided it was better to live separately, even though that can be really hard.”
And above all, keep telling them: You are safe. You are loved. None of this is your fault.
Make Space for Ongoing Conversations
A child doesn’t ask about divorce just once. These questions will morph as they grow, and each new developmental stage can reopen the conversation. Repeat information, revisit the topic gently, and be okay with your child having mixed emotions. Validating their feelings can go a lot farther than offering solutions.
If you notice your child has become withdrawn or more emotionally intense, you might want to read our article on how to help your 10-year-old open up about divorce.
Routines Are Anchor Points
Children find safety in predictability. In a time when everything feels out of their control, routines can act like emotional glue. Whether it’s brushing teeth together every night at 8:00 or going over math homework after dinner, these small rituals matter.
But what if learning becomes a struggle? What if your child no longer wants to focus, or math homework is now a battleground?
That’s where support tools come in. Some parents have found relief using tools like the Skuli App, which can turn school lessons into audio adventures where your child becomes the hero of the story—especially helpful when academic focus wanes due to stress. Hearing their name woven into storytelling adds a sense of belonging and stability they might be craving during divorce transitions.
Protect Them From the Adult Storm
No matter how unfair the situation may feel to you personally, shield your child from the weight of adult details. They don’t need to know who filed first or who said what during mediation. Avoid venting to them, even subtly.
For ongoing situations that remain high-conflict, you might find this guide useful: How To Emotionally Protect Your Child in a High-Conflict Divorce. It's okay to acknowledge that not every co-parenting situation is peaceful—but we can still buffer our children from its impact.
Lean on School Support—They Can Help Too
Your child spends a large portion of their week in the classroom. If they’re acting out, zoning out, or struggling academically, their school team—teachers, counselors, aides—can be your allies. You’re not burdening them by opening up. You’re offering context that can lead to kindness and flexibility for your child at school.
Start with the essentials: let them know about the divorce and what signs to look out for. Here’s a helpful primer on how to talk to your child’s school about a difficult separation.
When Tough Questions Become Big Feelings
Answering hard questions is only part of the picture. You may also be seeing anger, regression, or academic avoidance. That’s normal—but not easy.
If your child’s emotions seem overwhelming or misdirected (like becoming aggressive), it may be time to explore emotional coaching at home. This piece might resonate: My Child Has Become Aggressive Since Our Divorce—What Can I Do?
Sometimes, even just naming the feeling helps: “Sounds like you’re feeling really confused and mad right now. That makes sense.” Naming feelings is never weak—it gives your child tools to cope in healthy ways.
You're Doing More Than You Know
You might feel like you’re falling short. But if you are here, reading, wondering how to answer your child with care—that’s a sign you’re doing something right. Loving your child through uncertainty, showing up when it’s hard, and making space for their big, scary questions… that’s the sacred work of parenting.
And the most important answer they’re looking for? It’s not about why the marriage ended. It’s whether they are still safe and cherished. As long as you keep showing up, the answer to that is yes.
For more on emotional visibility and nurturing resilience after separation, we also recommend how to support your son's emotions after a separation.