My Child Has Become Aggressive Since Our Divorce: What Can I Do?

When Anger Becomes a Cry for Help

“He was always such a gentle boy,” Sarah confided tearfully as she described how her 9-year-old had started yelling, slamming doors, and getting into fights at school. Ever since the separation from her partner, her son seemed like a different child—quick to anger, shut down emotionally, and struggling to keep up with school. She felt frightened, guilty, and unsure of what to do next.

If you're reading this, maybe you're in Sarah’s shoes. Maybe your own child has started acting out in ways that seem completely foreign to you. Aggression in children after a divorce isn’t uncommon—but it is always meaningful. It’s a signal. And while it can be hard to face when you’re already exhausted by the emotional toll of separation, it’s also a powerful opportunity to reconnect, rebuild security, and offer the guidance your child so desperately needs.

Behind the Rage: What’s Really Going On?

Children rarely articulate emotional pain the way adults do. Instead of saying, “I feel helpless,” or “I’m afraid I’ve lost my family,” they might throw a toy at the wall. Or scream when it’s time to do homework. Or punch a sibling for no reason. Anxiety, confusion, guilt, and grief can all wear the mask of aggression.

It’s especially important for parents to resist the temptation to interpret these moments as simply behavioral problems. Instead, try to see them as emotional smoke signals. Your child is saying, in the only language they have: “Please notice that I’m not okay.”

Your Calm is Their Anchor

Post-divorce life is overwhelming for everyone. Amidst custody schedules, legal paperwork, and the quiet ache of lost companionship, your patience may feel paper-thin. But now is when your child needs your emotional availability more than ever—even if they’re pushing you away.

Here’s a simple truth backed by mountains of child psychology research: Kids take their emotional cues from us. When we respond to aggression with calm, consistency, and love, we teach them that feelings are manageable, relationships are secure, and home is still a safe place.

Try narrating calmly what you think might be going on: “You’re having a really hard time since the divorce. It seems like everything makes you angry right now. That’s okay. I’m here.” No fixing, no lecturing—just presence. You’re showing your child that even if everything feels broken, they are not.

Connect, Don’t Correct

Aggressive behavior may make you want to punish or shut down your child—but connection should always come first. Find small, gentle ways to reconnect emotionally. Go for a walk together. Have a tech-free breakfast. Choose a quiet bedtime activity. These rituals don’t have to be long or elaborate. What matters is the message: “You still matter to me, even when things are messy.”

Sometimes, structured tools can help rebuild a shared rhythm. For example, when getting back into homework routines, some families have found it helpful to turn lessons into playful formats—listening to an audio adventure where their child becomes the main character, for instance. With tools like the Skuli App, children can engage with school material in ways that feel empowering instead of overwhelming, even amidst emotional chaos.

Keep School in the Loop

Often, divorce leaves children distracted or frustrated at school. An episode of shouting at home in the morning can spill into defiance in the classroom. That’s why it’s so important to keep the school team informed. Teachers, counselors, and aides can’t offer the right support if they’re unaware of what your child is experiencing.

Reach out to your child’s teacher and let them know you’re navigating a transition. Ask to work together on a plan that helps your child succeed both academically and emotionally. If focus or anxiety is becoming a problem, discuss alternatives or accommodations.

For deeper strategies, you may find this guide useful: Back to School After Divorce: How to Stay Organized and Support Your Child.

Understand That Healing Is Not Linear

Divorce is not a one-time event. It’s an ongoing adjustment—and children may process it in waves. Just because your child seemed okay last month doesn’t mean they won’t struggle tomorrow. Aggression can come and go. What matters is staying present and predictable in your response.

Some families benefit from professional support. Child therapists who specialize in family restructuring or trauma can offer kids a space to explore tough emotions safely. If you begin to notice disturbing behavior (hurting others, destroying property, talking about self-harm), don’t hesitate to seek help.

Also consider reading this article for more ideas on how to help your child express their emotions: Helping Your 10-Year-Old Open Up About Divorce.

The Aggression Isn’t Against You—Even When It Feels That Way

Perhaps the hardest part of all is when your own child lashes out at you. They may say, “I hate you,” or blame you for the divorce. And while that pain cuts deep, it’s crucial to separate your child’s words from their deep, unmet needs.

Children often feel safest expressing their hurt with the parent they trust most. You are their safe harbor—and sometimes, that means you become the lightning rod for their storm. It’s not fair. But it’s not personal either. It’s a reflection of how deeply they need you.

If the divorce became especially high-conflict, your child may also be navigating loyalty binds or ongoing tension between households. In this case, you might want to explore strategies in How to Emotionally Protect Your Child from High-Conflict Divorce.

A Final Word to the Parent Holding It All Together

Your child is hurting—and so are you. It’s okay to admit that. You weren’t meant to handle all of this alone. There’s no single answer, but there are many small choices that can pave the way toward healing: being consistent, choosing connection, and seeking support when you need it.

If you want more ideas on supporting your child emotionally through the separation, you might find comfort in this thoughtful piece: How to Support Your Son's Emotions After a Separation.

Above all else, keep showing up. The aggression may push you away, but your presence is exactly what your child needs to find their way back.

You love them. That’s your superpower. Everything else can follow.