What to Say Instead of Criticizing: Encouraging Words That Truly Help Your Child

Why the Words We Choose Matter

You’re standing beside your child’s desk. It’s 7:30 p.m., and there’s still math homework to finish. Your child has already sighed five times in the last minute, and you’re tempted to say, "How many times do I have to explain this?" Or maybe, "You're not even trying." But then something stops you. Maybe it’s the guilt from the last time you lost your temper, or the memory of how defeated your child looked after a comment you didn’t mean to hurt them with. You want to do better. To be more encouraging. But what do you say instead?

Whether your child struggles with learning differences, motivation, or simply the overwhelming expectations of school, the way we communicate can either lift them up or weigh them down.

The Language of Belief vs. the Language of Criticism

We often criticize not because we mean harm, but because we’re overwhelmed ourselves. When your child shuts down over a reading assignment, it’s natural to want to push—hard. But criticism often comes from a place of fear: What if they fall behind? What if they stop caring entirely?

Yet research and experience continually show that the words we choose can either damage our child’s confidence or help it grow. Encouraging language helps them feel seen, capable, and supported—even when they’re struggling.

What Encouragement Sounds Like

Encouragement isn’t empty praise like “Good job” or “You’re so smart.” In fact, that kind of praise can lead kids to fear failure, because their identity becomes tied to getting things right. Real encouragement is specific. It notices effort, strategy, and growth.

Imagine your child attempting a word problem and getting stuck. Instead of saying “You always make careless mistakes,” try:

• “I saw how carefully you solved the first part—want to look at the next step together?”
• “You’re putting in the work, even if it’s hard. That’s how learning happens.”
• “That was a tricky one. I’m proud of how you broke it down.”

These moment-by-moment choices might seem small, but they send a powerful message: I believe in your ability to work through this. I see your effort, not just the result.

When Encouragement Feels Impossible

Some nights, the exhaustion is real. Maybe you’ve had to explain fractions three different ways, and your child is still fighting back tears. In those moments, it may feel easier to default to critique—because encouraging doesn't always come naturally under stress.

If that’s familiar, you’re not alone. Many parents I talk to wrestle with the guilt of snapping or comparing their child to others. The work of staying calm under pressure is immense, especially when you’re also managing your own stress after a long day. Be compassionate with yourself. Encouragement is a practice, not perfection. There will be moments when you don’t get it right—and that’s okay. Repair matters more than perfection.

Try saying, “Hey, I didn’t say that in the best way earlier. I’m sorry. Let’s figure this out together.” Those words alone model humility, responsibility—and love.

Building an Encouraging Environment at Home

Whether your child has ADHD, dyslexia, or just finds school overwhelming, you can shape your home into a place where struggling is safe. Kids who believe mistakes are part of learning are the ones most likely to persevere through challenges.

Here are some subtle ways to encourage at home beyond just words:

• Make learning feel playful and personal. Tools like the Skuli App can turn a photo of your child’s science notes into a fun, personalized audio adventure where they’re the hero—especially helpful when your child responds better to stories than worksheets.
• Replace grades or performance talk with process talk. Say “What strategy did you try here?” instead of “Did you finish all the questions?”
• Celebrate effort over outcomes. Acknowledge how they kept going, asked for help, or re-read the question—not just whether they got the answer right.

And when conflict arises with your partner over how to handle homework or behavior? That’s common too. Navigating differing approaches is part of the parenting journey, and it's possible to find common ground for your child’s benefit.

When Encouragement Becomes a Habit

Over time, words of belief and support become more than just parenting tools. They become part of the air your child breathes. When your child says, “I can’t do this,” and you answer with, “Not yet—but I see you working on it,” you begin to equip them with a new internal narrative.

One day, you’ll overhear them say, “It’s okay to make mistakes. I'm still figuring this out.” And in that moment, you’ll realize something powerful: your words didn’t just change homework time—they helped shape their resilience.

Encouragement isn’t about ignoring the struggle. It’s about walking through it together, hand in hand, with the kind of language that lights the way forward.

To explore more ways to promote effort positively, check out this article on encouraging behavior without rewards. Every child deserves to feel capable—and every parent deserves tools that make that possible.