My Daughter Is Putting Too Much Pressure on Herself to Succeed: How Can I Help Her Regain Confidence?

When success feels like the only option

You see it in her eyes when she brings home a test result that didn't match the sky-high expectations she had set for herself. Perhaps she doesn’t cry or yell, but you notice how quietly devastated she becomes. The sighs. The avoidance. The late nights spent reworking what’s already “correct.”

If your daughter is putting too much pressure on herself to succeed, you’re not alone—and neither is she. More and more children between the ages of 6 and 12 are interpreting school not as a place to grow, explore, and learn, but as a daily test of their worth. For some kids, especially those who are naturally conscientious or perfectionistic, the desire to do well transforms into an invisible weight that becomes heavier with each assignment, grade, or comment from a teacher.

What does “too much pressure” look like?

It’s not always easy to identify, especially since high-achieving children are often praised. But pressure becomes a problem when...

• Your child dreads school despite doing well academically.
• She obsesses over minor mistakes or talks about needing to be “perfect.”
• You hear her comparing herself to classmates constantly.
• She’s afraid to try new things unless she’s sure she’ll “get it right.”

When left unaddressed, this pressure can lead to anxiety, burnout or even school refusal. In some cases, it can mirror the same physiological responses as social anxiety or performance phobia. The good news? There’s so much you can do to help your daughter breathe again and slowly rebuild the confidence she's misplaced under the weight of “shoulds.”

Start by noticing what she really hears when she fails

Many kids who put too much pressure on themselves are reacting less to school and more to how they interpret failure. Somewhere along the way, they start believing that a single mistake means they aren’t smart—or worse, that they’re disappointing someone they care about.

You can begin to shift this by being very mindful of your own reactions. When she shows you a less-than-perfect grade, model curiosity instead of concern. Instead of asking “What happened?” say:

“That test looked tricky. What did you find most interesting or hard about it?”

This small shift removes personal judgment from the outcome. It's not about her success or failure anymore. It's about the learning process. This kind of dialogue helps children internalize the idea that mistakes are not evidence of inadequacy, but doorways into understanding.

Make a habit of highlighting effort—not outcomes

High-achieving kids often crave praise, but if that praise comes only when they “win,” it reinforces the belief that worth is tied to performance. Try shifting the way you acknowledge her achievements.

For example, if she aces a spelling test, instead of saying “You’re so smart,” say:

“I saw how you practiced those tricky words all week. Your effort really paid off.”

This helps her associate success with the control she does have—her strategies, her resilience, her time—rather than with something fixed or fragile, like talent or intelligence. Over time, this praise approach builds what researchers call a growth mindset. If you’re unfamiliar with this term, you might want to check out our article on helping children embrace mistakes.

Expand her definition of success

Many children who pressure themselves see success only through academic metrics. Expanding that definition helps them feel valuable in other areas they can take pride in—especially ones that aren’t graded.

One highly effective way to do this is through extracurricular activities that challenge them physically or socially. Activities like martial arts, dance, drawing, cooperative games, or volunteering let children experience joy, growth, and progress without the looming presence of a red pen or scoreboard.

There’s also strong evidence that certain sports help cultivate emotional resilience and boost confidence in under-the-radar ways. If this sounds like something your family could explore, you might enjoy our guide to sports that help children build confidence.

Bring learning closer to joy

If school feels rigid or overwhelming for your daughter, find ways to make learning feel playful and adventurous again. Children who internalize high expectations often become so consumed with getting the “right” answer that they forget to think creatively or take intellectual risks.

This is why some parents are now leaning on tools that inject a sense of agency and play into revision time. For example, one mom I recently spoke to used an app to turn her daughter’s science notes into a personalized audio adventure, complete with her daughter as the lead character. Her child could listen on the way to school, chuckling while reviewing the planets she once dreaded memorizing.

(That app is called Skuli, by the way—and it’s available on iOS and Android.)

When kids can see themselves as the hero of the story, quite literally, it shifts their internal narrative from “I have to do this perfectly” to “I get to explore this my way.”

Don’t do this alone

Finally, know that helping your daughter navigate this pressure requires a village. Talk with her teacher. Ask if they’ve noticed signs of perfectionism or stress. Many schools offer workshops or small support groups that can normalize these feelings for students.

It’s also okay to bring in a counselor or therapist if you feel like the pressure is deeply affecting her quality of life. Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is admit that love alone isn’t always enough—and that’s perfectly okay.

Our children are strong, but they should never have to be strong alone. Their worth was never meant to live in a gradebook. Let’s help them remember that.

If your child is also struggling with socially-driven insecurity, you might also find our article on how classroom friendships affect self-confidence helpful.