My Child Always Wants to Be the Best—Should I Be Worried?

When High Expectations Become a Heavy Load

“He cried because his quiz score was 17 out of 20,” a mother told me recently. “He thought he’d disappointed me.” Her son is nine years old, curious, motivated…and exhausted by his own drive to be perfect. If you're reading this, perhaps you're watching your child wrestle with similar feelings—the constant need to be the best, to win every competition, to please every adult, and to never, ever fail.

On the surface, ambition seems like a good thing. We want our children to strive, to care, to set goals. But what happens when your child's desire to excel starts causing stress, tears, or even anxiety attacks at bedtime?

Understanding Where the Pressure Comes From

Children between ages 6 and 12 are at a developmental stage where they begin forming a sense of identity—often through comparison. This means that a child who excels might receive praise that reinforces the idea: “Being the best is who I am.” The risk? If their identity becomes tangled with performance, failure feels like a loss of self-worth, not just a missed answer on a worksheet.

Interestingly, this relentless drive doesn't always come from parents. It can stem from personality (perfectionistic tendencies), academic environments that emphasize ranking, or even classmates who model similar behaviors. If your child talks often about “being first” or is deeply disappointed by anything less than perfection, they may be struggling with what psychologists call performance anxiety.

To help you see your child more clearly, consider reading why some children are more anxious than others. It sheds light on how personality and temperament play a larger role than many of us realize.

Signs That the Pressure Might Be Too Much

Determination and ambition are wonderful traits, but they shouldn’t come at the cost of well-being. Watch for these signs:

• Your child avoids trying new things for fear of not being "the best" immediately.
• They take small academic setbacks very personally—a missed word in spelling feels like a catastrophe.
• Their mood dips significantly after competition or test results.
• They ask for constant reassurance: “Did I do well enough?” or “Are you proud of me?”

If any of these feel familiar, your child may need some support in redefining what it means to “do well.”

Redefining Success at Home

One of the most powerful things we can do as parents is recalibrate what success means at home. Instead of focusing on outcomes (grades, medals, scores), center your conversations around effort, curiosity, and learning. Try saying:

• “Tell me something new you learned today.”
• “What part of that project did you enjoy most?”
• “I’m proud of how you kept going, even when it got tricky.”

This focus on the process over the result is called a growth mindset—and it's remarkably effective in reducing performance anxiety in children. For more guidance, you can explore how to choose comforting and empowering words when school becomes a source of stress.

Teaching Emotional Resilience

One overlooked tool for supporting perfectionist children is helping them build emotional flexibility. Let them see you make mistakes and recover from them. Instead of hiding your own frustrations with forgotten appointments or burnt dinners, model how to laugh, reflect, and learn. This gives permission for them to do the same in their academic life.

Games—especially cooperative ones—can also be powerful. They teach children to collaborate, improvise, and experience “losing” without shame. If you’re looking for engaging activities that support emotional balance, this article on games that help kids handle school anxiety is a great starting point.

When Your Child Still Insists on Being #1

It's okay if your child still wants to excel. The goal isn't to smother ambition, but to teach that it doesn’t have to hurt. Sometimes, children need tools to channel their drive in healthier, more sustainable ways. For example, if your child tends to overstudy or self-quiz obsessively, you can step in and make learning more playful and balanced.

One way some families shift this dynamic is by turning study time into a game or a story. The Skuli app lets kids become the hero of their own audio adventures—featuring their name and their actual school lessons. For a child who’s wired to work hard, but needs more joy in the journey, this kind of creative review can be a breath of fresh air.

Becoming Their Safe Place

Your child doesn’t need you to be perfect—they need you to be their refuge. When they come home disappointed or panicked about upcoming tests, what they want (even if they don’t say it) is connection. Slow down. Sit beside them. Ask about their day with genuine warmth, not investigative scrutiny.

If school pressure is becoming part of everyday life at home, you might want to read this gentle guide on how to ease school pressure from the kitchen table. Sometimes, small household changes can create big emotional shifts.

Your Child’s Heart Matters More Than Any Grade

Perfectionism may look like success from the outside—but inside, it can feel like walking a tightrope. As a parent, your quiet daily choices—what you praise, how you encourage, how you respond to struggle—teach your child what truly matters. You have the power to show them that their value is not tied to being “the best,” but rather to being themselves: thoughtful, persistent, flawed, and loved.

In the long run, raising a curious, compassionate learner is far more rewarding than raising a perfect student. Let them chase dreams, yes—but also show them how to rest, laugh, and simply be. That balance is what they’ll carry long after report cards are forgotten.