How to Talk to Your Child So They Feel Seen, Heard, and Valued

Why feeling valued matters more than praise

It’s easy to think that boosting your child’s confidence is just a matter of telling them how amazing they are. "Good job!" "You’re so smart!" "Wow, you’re the best!" But if you’re parenting a child between 6 and 12 who struggles with schoolwork or gets stressed at homework time, you may have noticed something: those well-meaning compliments often bounce off. They don’t sink in. Why?

Because children don’t just want to be praised—they want to be understood. They want to feel valued for who they are, not just for what they do. And that distinction changes everything about how we talk to them.

This article isn’t about tips and tricks—it’s about connection. It’s about the small, daily ways you can create an atmosphere where your child feels safe, seen, and accepted, especially when they’re struggling.

From judgment to curiosity: Changing the conversation

Let’s imagine a scene you might know well. Your child sits at the table, pencil in hand, staring at a math worksheet. Their brow is furrowed, and after two minutes, the whining starts. "I can’t do this." "It’s too hard." "I’m dumb."

It’s tempting to jump in with logic or reassurance: "No you’re not! You just have to try harder!" But what your child hears is: "You’re not listening to how I feel." That’s when the disconnection deepens.

Try curiosity instead. Sit beside them and say, "Hmm, it looks like this part is frustrating. Can you talk me through what’s hard about it?" By asking, not fixing, you’re showing them they’re worth listening to—even when they’re upset. That’s how they start to feel valued.

Letting your child lead the learning

One of the most powerful ways you can help your child feel valued is by trusting their way of learning. Not every brain is wired for reading quietly at a desk. Some kids learn best by moving. Some need repetition. Others thrive on storytelling or sound.

For instance, one mom I spoke to was struggling with her 8-year-old son, Leo, who never sat still for more than five minutes at homework time. Reading comprehension was a daily battle—until she realized he actually remembered everything she read out loud. So instead of fighting the usual routine, she started turning his lessons into audio he could listen to during car rides or while drawing. (Apps like Skuli even let you turn their written homework into customized adventures where they’re the hero. Leo now begs to review his science notes... because it feels like play, not pressure.)

When you let your child work in a way that fits them, you’re not just helping them succeed—you’re telling them they’re not broken. They’re just different. And they deserve tools and strategies that honor that.

Reflecting their strengths back to them

Children need to see themselves through your eyes—and what you reflect back matters. Instead of only commenting on results (grades, test scores), pay attention to their process:

• "You kept trying even when that was frustrating. That shows so much persistence."
• "I noticed how kind you were to your partner during that group project. You’re a great team player."
• "You asked such a thoughtful question today—that tells me you’re really thinking deeply."

These are called strength-based reflections. They turn your attention to your child’s effort, choices, and values—not just results. Over time, comments like these build self-trust and inner motivation. Want more on this? [This article on building your child's belief in their own capability](https://skuli.ghost.io/how-to-help-your-child-feel-capable-of-succeeding) is a perfect next read.

When school shakes their sense of self

If your child struggles in the classroom—maybe with reading, math, attention, or even friendships—they may start to internalize a dangerous belief: "I’m not good enough." This belief can settle in quietly, showing up as perfectionism, withdrawal, anxiety, or even anger.

That’s why it’s so important to reinforce their inherent worth, regardless of school performance. A child who knows they’re loved and valued—even when they mess up—develops the resilience to keep trying. Here’s a thought-provoking piece on how to help your child move past the fear of mistakes.

Making your conversations count

When your child comes home from school, try skipping the usual question—"How was school?"—and instead ask:

• "What made you feel proud of yourself today?"
• "What moment in your day made you feel strong?"
• "Did something happen today that made you laugh or made you think?"

Meaningful conversations don’t just happen at bedtime—they happen while driving, during dishes, or cuddling on the couch. Helping your child develop their voice begins with taking the time to notice what’s beneath their words, and honoring the full complexity of who they are.

Little moments that build lasting confidence

Children don’t need perfection from you. They need presence. They need you to see them, even when they push you away. They need you to notice the quiet wins: the homework they didn’t give up on, the moment they stood up for themselves, the silly idea they shared without fear.

If you're looking for more fun, practical ways to encourage their confidence through play, check out these confidence-boosting games for kids.

Talking to your child in a way that makes them feel valued isn’t about the perfect script. It’s about an ongoing conversation—the one where you say, over and over again, in lots of different ways: "I see you. I get you. And I believe in you."