How to Prevent Your Child from Taking Sides Between Parents
When Love Feels Like a Tug-of-War
When a family changes—whether through separation, divorce, or simply shifting routines—children can find themselves in emotional territory far too complex for their years. If you're reading this, you're probably already navigating long days, splitting school schedules across two homes, or managing difficult conversations. And now, you're wondering: how can I protect my child from feeling like they need to choose between Mom and Dad?
This question deserves more than tips. It needs compassion, nuance, and realism—because forcing a child to pick sides, even unintentionally, places them squarely in the middle of an emotional arena they should never be in.
Children Don't Take Sides Unless They Feel They Have To
Let me tell you about Mia, an 8-year-old who started refusing to do homework at her dad’s house. Not because she didn’t like school—she loved it—but because, as she whispered to her school counselor, “If I do it there, Mommy gets sad.” What looked like defiance was actually loyalty. To her, completing an assignment at Dad’s meant betraying Mom.
Stories like Mia's aren’t rare. Often, when kids start acting out or withdrawing after a family change, it's not rebellion. It's confusion. They love both parents fiercely—and trying to figure out how to show that love in a fractured world is exhausting for them.
Watch the Words We Drop Around Them
Children are incredible listeners—especially when we think they're not paying attention. That offhand comment to a friend about how your ex “never helps with the school stuff,” or a sarcastic response to a text about pickup schedules, plants a seed. Suddenly, your child starts forming opinions built not on their own experiences, but on yours.
Instead of venting within earshot, find adult spaces for your frustration. Your child doesn’t need the weight of your adult relationships on their back. They only need to know they are safe, loved, and allowed to love both parents.
Focus on Consistency Over Control
One of the most common struggles after a separation is feeling that things are being done “wrong” at the other home. Bedtimes are later. Screens are allowed at dinner. Homework isn’t prioritized the same way. All of this can make you want to double down—and point fingers. But doing so pulls your child deeper into that sense of side-picking.
Healthy co-parenting isn’t about sameness—it’s about stability. Agreeing on basic routines can go a long way. If you're still navigating that part, our article on how to set consistent rules across two homes offers helpful guidance for getting started.
Child-Centered Communication Means Letting Them Out of the Middle
A 10-year-old shouldn’t be the one relaying messages about Friday’s drop-off change. When kids act as go-betweens, even for little things, they become part of the conflict circuitry. They worry about what to say, who to side with, and whether they'll upset someone in the process.
Instead, do everything you can to keep open communication directly between adults. Your child should be allowed to simply be a child—with no performance, no negotiation, no pressure to mediate.
Reinforce Their Freedom to Love You Both
Your child may try to gauge your emotions before mentioning something good they did with their other parent. They may hide excitement about a new game at the other house. Your job? Make every effort to be a safe space. Smile when they talk about the fun weekend they had. Ask about it. Celebrate it. That act alone can be the greatest gift you give them.
We wrote more about this in our piece on how to reassure your child that they’re loved after a divorce, and it’s worth revisiting often.
The Academic Pressure Doesn’t Need to Follow Them
School stress doesn’t disappear just because home life is complicated. In fact, sometimes it multiplies. Homework becomes a battleground. Your child might pretend to forget their math packet at the other house just to avoid choosing where to do it. That's when educational tools can quietly step in and change the dynamic.
Imagine turning a picture of their lesson into a fun, personalized quiz they can do on either parent’s phone—or turning dense reading into an audio adventure where your child becomes the hero. These are the kinds of features that apps like Skuli offer, letting a child learn in freedom rather than choosing where “homework really happens.”
When Emotions Run Deep, Find the Roots
If your child is showing signs of anxiety, sleep disruption, or persistent sadness, it may be their way of processing the emotional tug-of-war. Letting them talk without expectation or leading questions is key. Read our guide on supporting your child’s emotional health during a divorce for more signs to look out for.
And if sleep is becoming an issue—as it often does in transitions—our article on helping your child sleep during separation might be just what you need.
This Isn’t a Moment. It’s a Journey.
Teaching your child that they don’t have to choose sides is not a one-time talk—it’s something you model over time. Some days, emotions will flare. Some transitions will go smoother than others. But every calm response, every moment you celebrate their bond with the other parent, is a message that says: “You’re allowed to love all of who you are—and all of who we are.”
And that message? That’s what gives them the freedom to grow.