How Comparing Children Fuels School Anxiety (And What To Do Instead)

When Praise Feels Like Pressure

Imagine your child comes home from school and tells you, "Liam got all his math problems right again. I only got five." You respond quickly, trying to reassure: "Well, Liam is very good at math. You just need to try harder." You mean well—you're trying to soothe. But in those few words, something much deeper takes root: the subtle suggestion that your child's value is measured against someone else.

As parents, we want our children to thrive. We encourage them, motivate them, and sometimes, without even realizing it, compare them. Not out of malice, but to inspire. Yet comparisons—whether to siblings, classmates, or impossibly high standards—can quietly chip away at your child's confidence and ignite school-related anxiety.

The Hidden Weight of Being Compared

Children between 6 and 12 are in a fragile phase. They're developing identity, self-esteem, and their own pace of learning. One comment like "Your sister always finished her homework on time," can reinforce the idea that they'll never measure up. Over time, these small, well-intentioned comparisons accumulate. They don't always produce motivation—they often breed anxiety.

Kids who hear regular comparisons start to:

• Internalize a message that they’re not "enough" as they are
• Fear making mistakes, because any flaw could make them less worthy
• View learning as a competition, not as a personal journey

This anxiety doesn’t always look like tears. It often shows up as avoidance: procrastinating on homework, unexplained stomach aches, or even explosive behavior when something feels too hard. To better recognize these patterns, you might find our guide on active listening for anxious children especially helpful.

When School Becomes a Stage

Children aren't blind to the attention others receive. If a sibling is constantly praised for good grades, or a classmate gets celebrated by teachers, your child may wonder: "Why don't I get that same praise?" Suddenly, learning becomes a stage where they feel compared, evaluated, and judged.

This is particularly challenging for kids who already struggle—those with learning difficulties, attention challenges, or simply a different learning pace. When we compare, we can accidentally invalidate their real, hard-earned effort.

In one family I worked with, an 8-year-old girl who had auditory processing difficulties would watch her younger brother finish his spelling assignments with ease. Her parents would say things like, "Look how quickly your brother did that—maybe you can try his method?" But instead of feeling supported, she started refusing to attempt homework at all.

They weren’t trying to shame her. They wanted to help. But for her, the message was clear: "I’m not like him. I must not be smart." Rebuilding her confidence meant changing not just the methods, but the mindset—with an emphasis on praising effort, not comparison.

Redirecting the Conversation

So what can you do instead of comparing? The good news is you don’t need to eliminate praise—you just need to shift its direction.

• Focus on effort, not outcome: Instead of, "You only got five; Liam got ten," try, "You focused really well on those five. Want to show me how you solved them?"
• Celebrate progress: A child who used to get stuck on the first problem but now solves five has already improved. Reinforce that growth.
• Support their learning identity: Each child has unique ways of comprehending lessons. If your child prefers listening to stories rather than reading, explore tools that support auditory learning. Some parents, for example, have found that turning lessons into personalized audio stories—with their child’s name as the main character—can spark enthusiasm and reinforce learning in a playful, non-competitive way. (This approach is available for example through the Skuli App, which transforms study material into customized learning adventures.)

When parents step away from comparison and tune into their child’s internal motivation, something shifts. Homework becomes less of a battle. Bedtime isn’t fraught with emotional residue from the day. The home becomes a safer place to learn—and feel seen.

What If You're Already Comparing?

If you're reading this and thinking, "Wait—I’ve definitely said stuff like that," please take a breath. We all have. Parenting doesn’t come with a perfect script, and we often repeat what we knew as kids. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s awareness.

Start by being curious with yourself. Were you compared a lot as a child? Do those old scripts echo in your parenting today? Becoming conscious of these patterns is a powerful step forward.

Then, talk to your child. Name what you’re learning. For example: "I’ve realized that sometimes I say things that might make you feel compared to your sister. That’s not fair, and I want to change that." Kids are surprisingly forgiving when we speak honestly.

Creating a Safe, Non-Comparative Space

Reducing school anxiety starts with how a child feels about themselves at home. Consider creating a calm, supportive learning space they can call their own. That could be a small nook with fewer distractions, their own shelf of books, or even just a set time where screens and noise are limited. For practical ideas, our article on calm learning spaces at home offers inspiration.

For children who experience more intense anxiety, you might wonder about other factors—like whether screens contribute to stress or provide relief. If you're grappling with that balance, we’ve explored some valuable insights in this article on screen use and anxiety.

Every Child is on Their Own Timeline

There will always be kids who finish faster, who read earlier, who seem innately organized. And that’s okay—so long as your own child doesn’t believe those differences make them less worthy. The journey of learning doesn't need a scoreboard.

Your child’s strengths may bloom in ways the school system doesn't always highlight—through empathy, resilience, storytelling, or creative thinking. Look closely for those sparks, especially during the late-night chats or car rides home. They're there.

By resisting comparison and leaning into connection, you help your child feel safe enough to face challenges—and strong enough to define success on their terms. And that is the kind of confidence that lasts far beyond the classroom.