Why You Should Praise Your Child Even When They’re Not the Best
The Hidden Power of Encouragement
It’s the end of another long school day. Your 9-year-old trudges through the door, backpack slung low, and hands you a crumpled quiz. The score is mediocre, and you can already see the disappointment clouding their face. You want to encourage them—but the voice in your head whispers, "Should we really praise effort when the results just aren’t there?"
If you’ve ever wondered whether it's helpful—or even honest—to compliment your child when they’re struggling academically, you’re not alone. Many loving, well-intentioned parents grapple with this daily. But here’s what the research, and real-life parenting, tells us: children need praise not only for what they achieve but for the courage they show in trying.
Beyond Gold Stars: What Kids Really Hear
Children between the ages of 6 and 12 are building their self-image every single day. When we focus only on success, high grades, or comparisons with classmates, we’re teaching them that their value is tied to performance. And when they fall short—which they inevitably will—they internalize it as a personal failure.
This can lead to long-term issues: anxiety, perfectionism, avoidance of challenges, and even hidden stress. Some kids will even hide their struggles because they fear letting their parents down.
Real encouragement means acknowledging the effort, the grit, the small wins along the way. When a child keeps trying despite their difficulties, that resilience is what deserves your recognition.
When the World Says "Not Good Enough," Your Voice Matters Most
School can be an unforgiving place. Tests, grades, peer comparisons—it all adds up. So at home, your child looks to you for balance, for validation. They cling to your words, your expressions, your tone when reviewing homework together.
This is especially true for children who are struggling with learning differences or emotional difficulties. Whether it’s undiagnosed dyslexia or underlying anxiety, these kids often work twice as hard behind the scenes—and get half the credit.
Praising your child doesn't mean inflating their ego or sugar-coating reality. It means making space for growth and honoring the journey, especially when it’s hard. Phrases like:
- “I’m proud of how hard you worked on this, even though it didn’t turn out as you hoped.”
- “It takes a lot of heart to try again after disappointment.”
- “I saw how carefully you read the instructions this time—that’s improvement.”
These messages don’t ignore the struggle; they validate the experience and encourage progress over perfection.
Tuning Into What Motivates Your Child
Every child’s brain is wired differently. While one might love the thrill of a written quiz, another learns better when they hear stories aloud. Adapting to your child’s learning style can make them feel seen and supported.
This is especially vital if they’re already discouraged. Tools like the Skuli App can help transform traditional lessons into audio adventures, where your child becomes the hero of their own learning quest. For a fourth-grader who struggles with reading comprehension but lights up with stories, it can be the difference between checking out and tuning in.
Supporting your child’s motivation isn’t about gimmicks—it’s about meeting them where they are, in ways that feel empowering rather than overwhelming.
When Effort Feels Invisible to Them
Sometimes your child truly believes, “I worked hard—and I still failed.” In moments like these, praise can feel hollow unless it’s connected to specific, observable effort.
Try saying: “You spent 20 minutes reworking this problem—before, you might’ve given up after five. That shows growth.” Or, “You took a photo of your notes and reviewed them using that quiz—just a few weeks ago, you didn’t even know where to start.”
Kids need help seeing their own effort. Digital tools, if used intentionally, can help reveal the hidden steps they’re taking. (We explore this in depth in this guide on using technology for stress reduction.)
The Long Game: Building Internal Confidence
Ultimately, the goal isn’t just to make your child feel better after a rough homework session. It’s to help them develop intrinsic motivation—the belief that learning has value beyond external rewards.
That’s a gradual process, especially when your child faces chronic challenges. But it begins with tiny, consistent signals from you: You’re proud. You see their effort. You honor their struggle. You believe in their capacity to grow.
It also means watching closely for signs of deeper stress. If your child is losing sleep, obsessed with getting everything right, or avoids schoolwork entirely, it could be a sign of anxiety tied to school performance. (Learn more in this article on performance anxiety and sleep disruption.)
Final Thoughts: Success That Comes From Within
We all want our kids to thrive. But more importantly, we want them to like themselves even when they aren’t the best in the room.
Praising only excellence teaches kids that their worth is conditional. Praising progress, persistence, kindness, and courage teaches them that their value runs deeper. That’s the kind of success you can’t measure in points—but it’s the kind that lasts a lifetime.
And if your child happens to need extra support focusing after school, or insists on reviewing vocabulary in the backseat on the way to soccer, turning their lessons into a short, personalized audio story (where they’re the star) might be just the nudge they need. It’s a small shift—with a big emotional payoff.
In a world that too often reminds kids of what they can’t do, be the voice that reminds them of all the things they’re already becoming.
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