What to Do When Your Child Refuses to Cooperate Despite Positive Parenting
When Kindness Isn't Working — And You're Out of Options
You’ve read all the books, tried to be patient, offered choices instead of commands, and avoided yelling. Still, your child looks you in the eye and snaps, "No!" Or they collapse onto the floor in protest, arms crossed, homework untouched. You start to wonder: Am I doing something wrong?
If you’re a parent who believes in kindness, empathy, and connection—but you’re still locked in daily power struggles—you are not alone. This is one of the most confusing stages of parenting. Doing everything "right" and still getting defiance can make you feel helpless. But let’s pause and unpack what’s really happening when a child seems to reject even our best, most loving efforts.
It’s Not Just About Obedience—It’s About Autonomy
Children between the ages of 6 and 12 are undergoing incredible cognitive and emotional development. They’re testing boundaries, yes—but they’re also testing their sense of self. When your child resists your request to start homework or refuses to stop playing video games, it’s rarely about the task itself. It’s more often a sign that they’re trying to assert control in a world that often feels overwhelming or rigid.
Claire, a mom of two in Lyon, shared how her 9-year-old son would often suddenly announce, "You can’t make me!" when she gently reminded him to finish his math assignment. It wasn’t that he disliked math—in fact, he was quite good at it. What he hated was the idea of being told what to do. His defiance wasn’t a rejection of his mother’s kindness. It was a call for agency.
This is where positive parenting sometimes needs a flexible upgrade—not a harsher tone, but a more collaborative approach.
Understanding the Hidden Needs Beneath Refusal
The question is not just “How do I make my child obey?” but “What does my child need in this moment that they’re trying to express through resistance?” That need could be:
- A break from a long day of overstimulation
- A sense of control over their time
- Help transitioning between play and responsibility
- Validation of their feelings or their struggle with a task
As hard as it can be in the moment, slowing down to gently reflect their emotions back to them—“It sounds like you really don’t want to stop playing right now”—can short-circuit the argument before it grows. And when they feel seen, they’re more likely to listen. For more on supporting your child’s emotional regulation without power struggles, take a look at our article on what to say instead of ‘you’re being mean’.
When Collaboration Builds Respect
Refusal doesn’t mean your child doesn’t respect you. Often, power struggles emerge when children feel they aren’t being respected—specifically, their input isn’t being considered. Positive parenting isn’t permissiveness; it’s about building mutual respect.
So the shift becomes: how can we invite cooperation, rather than demand obedience?
One idea is to include your child in problem-solving. For example, instead of saying, “Do your homework now,” try: “Homework needs to get done before dinner. When do you want to start—now or in 15 minutes?” Or, “What’s one thing that could make this easier today?”
When kids are part of the solution, they learn to be responsible from the inside out, not just to avoid punishment or disapproval.
Making Transitions Easier with Gentle Tools
Let’s be real—there will still be days when nothing works. That’s okay. Part of parenting isn’t about eliminating the hard moments, but having tools to soften them.
If your child struggles to switch from screen time to homework—or from dinner to bath time—see if you can build tiny rituals into those moments. A funny handshake, a 3-minute dance-off, or asking them to be your “transition captain” for the day can help shift the energy. Letting them choose a timer sound or playlist for the task can also give them a sense of ownership.
And for the child who resists homework because it feels boring or hard, try reimagining how the material is presented. Some kids thrive with visuals. Others are auditory learners. For my son, who struggled to sit still for reading, turning the lesson into a story where he was the main character made all the difference. Using a tool like the Skuli App (available on iOS and Android), which can turn a lesson into a personalized audio adventure using your child’s name, helped transform our nightly homework battles into bedtime fun. Suddenly, grammar wasn’t the enemy—it was a quest.
You Can Be Kind and Still Have Boundaries
One of the hardest things to hold as a parent is this truth: you can be warm, loving, and gentle—and still firmly require that your child meet expectations. The difference lies in how you hold those boundaries.
Instead of saying, “You’re not allowed to speak to me that way!” you can say, “I’m going to step away until we can speak kindly to each other.” This teaches self-regulation more than reacting with threats ever could.
If you need help setting those boundaries without opening the door to more defiance, you may want to read our guide on how to set clear and positive rules.
Let Go of the Idea That 'Good' Parenting Always Feels Good
There’s a myth that positive parenting gets rid of all resistance—that a well-behaved child is one who never says “no.” But the truth is, helping your child grow into a thoughtful, independent, and kind human means they will push back sometimes. That’s part of their job. And yours is to respond with compassion, clarity, and an open heart—even when you’re tired.
When your child refuses to obey despite your best efforts at kindness, take it as an invitation, not a failure. An invitation to grow—to listen more deeply, to talk more collaboratively, to trust that who you are becoming together matters more than whether the shoes are on by 8:00 sharp.
And if you’re craving a calmer start to the day, we invite you to explore our tips for creating peaceful morning routines. Because sometimes cooperation starts with connection—even before breakfast.