My Son Seems Defiant in Class – What’s Really Going On?

When Defiance Is a Cry for Help, Not Rebellion

It’s one of the most heart-wrenching calls a parent can get: a message from your child’s teacher saying that your son is being disruptive, argumentative, or even insolent in class. The words sting—because they don’t match the little person you tuck in every night. You know your son. He's full of curiosity, energy, and maybe a little mischief, yes, but you wouldn't call him disrespectful. So what’s happening at school?

If you’re exhausted, confused, or even frustrated, you’re not alone. Many parents navigate this delicate challenge, especially when academic or emotional stress is part of the picture. Let’s dismantle the label of “insolence” and explore what might be behind your child’s behavior in the classroom.

The Mask of Misbehavior: What’s Underneath the Surface?

Children rarely act out without a reason, but their reasons often don’t look the way we expect. What can look like disrespect might actually be a stretched-thin coping mechanism. Defiance, in this light, is not rebellion—it’s a defense.

Marc, a father of a 9-year-old named Jules, shared that his son would roll his eyes, interrupt the teacher, and refuse to follow instructions. At home, Jules was often reluctant to start homework and frequently melted down when asked to read aloud. Marc initially took it personally, assuming Jules was being difficult. But a simple teacher observation unlocked something crucial: Jules had trouble tracking letters on the board—a likely sign of visual processing difficulty.

Suddenly, the behavior made sense. Jules wasn’t trying to cause trouble—he simply felt overwhelmed and frustrated in a learning environment that didn’t feel safe. Acting out gave him a fleeting sense of control in a world that often felt chaotic.

Where to Start: Observing, Not Reacting

When your child is labeled “difficult,” your first instinct might be to fix the behavior. What’s more helpful, though, is to observe what the behavior is trying to communicate. Here are a few angles to consider:

• Is the behavior happening in all environments? Many children behave differently at home than at school. This can be a clue that the issue is situational rather than personality-based.
• Is there a pattern to the defiance? Does it happen during a specific subject? Around transitions? Before lunch?
• What does your child say about school? Simple, calm conversations—usually away from the heat of the moment—can reveal more than formal meetings ever could.

Sometimes, children don’t have the words to say, “I feel dumb,” or “everyone’s better than me.” Instead, they shut down or act out. And while it can be tempting to interpret the behavior as manipulative or controlling, it’s often rooted in shame or anxiety.

For more on emotional undercurrents, especially in inattentive or ‘spacey’ kids, this article might feel oddly familiar: My child is always daydreaming—should I be worried?

How to Partner, Not Punish

Fostering a sense of psychological safety at home is key. When your child is struggling at school, having a home environment that feels calm and non-judgmental can be a vital buffer. Consider these shifts:

• Reframe the narrative. Instead of calling your child “defiant,” try “struggling to cope” or “still learning to regulate emotions.” Language shapes the way we treat others—and ourselves.
• Explore sensory or learning challenges. Subtle learning difficulties or processing disorders often go unnoticed until the child starts pushing back. Here's a related read that gets deeper into this angle: He refuses to do his homework—what if it's something else?
• Check the emotional load. Big family dynamics, changes at home, or even sibling comparisons can impact classroom behavior. If yours is a bustling household, these examples may feel relatable: Real-life routines from large families: How they tackle school days with less stress.

Helping Without Hovering

Sometimes our instinct is to rescue: emails to teachers, new chore charts, emotional pep talks. But what kids often need is help they don’t even realize is help. That’s where gentle bridges can make all the difference.

For instance, if a child struggles to follow lessons and zones out (and gets called “distracted” or even “disrespectful”), it might help to reintroduce that material in a form that feels like play. Some parents use tools that can create personalized audio adventures based on that week’s curriculum—embedding the child’s first name, giving them the role of “hero,” and making the lesson come alive. One such tool—the Skuli App (available on iOS and Android)—lets you transform written school content into interactive stories or mini podcasts for on-the-go listening. For auditory learners or kids who are easily bored by reading, this can reframe study time as imaginative time.

Another overlooked approach is to involve your child in their own learning process. Ask them, "How would you like to review this? As a game? In the car? With music?" Little shifts like that build agency and cooperation.

This Isn’t About Perfection—It’s About Connection

If there’s one thing to hold onto, it’s this: your child’s behavior doesn’t define their character—or your parenting. Kids aren’t small adults. They're still learning how to regulate their hearts, minds, and mouths. And you’re watching that process unfold in real time.

Your response—curious, kind, and brave enough to question the easy narrative—is the very thing that will shape who they become. Their journey is bumpy. So is yours. That’s not failure. That’s growth.

And on the hard days, when your child seems “too much,” remember: behind every outburst or eye-roll is a need. And behind every behavior is a story waiting to be understood.

If you’re looking for more ways to foster understanding and ease the tensions in family dynamics, especially in noisy or crowded homes, this piece is full of warmth: How to help a shy child thrive in a big loud family.