My Child Is Labeled as Disrespectful: What’s Really Going On?

When defiance masks something deeper

You get another call from school. Your son was “insolent” again in class today. He interrupted the teacher, rolled his eyes when asked to follow instructions, and refused to complete his worksheet. As the teacher describes his behavior, you can hear the exhaustion in her voice—and feel your own rising to meet it.

But here’s the question that matters most: what is actually happening beneath that label?

When children between ages 6 and 12 are called rude, oppositional, or disrespectful, it’s easy to assume they’re just being difficult. But the truth is, “insolence” in children rarely comes from nowhere. It’s often a symptom, not the problem itself.

What the label "insolent" is missing

The word “insolent” says nothing about how a child takes in information, or whether they feel safe, capable, or seen. It doesn’t capture their confusion, boredom, frustration, or shame. But those feelings often drive the kind of behavior adults categorize as defiant.

I met a mother recently whose 9-year-old son, Leo, was constantly getting in trouble for talking out of turn, making snarky comments, or simply not doing what was asked. But the more we talked, the clearer it became: Leo wasn’t trying to be rude—he was struggling to understand the lessons. But instead of saying “I don’t get it,” he cracked a joke, rolled his eyes, or pushed the assignments away.

Why? Because saying “I don’t get it” is vulnerable. It’s easier to pretend you don’t care than to admit you’re confused or scared of looking stupid.

Disconnection often looks like defiance

Many parents overlook this possibility: that their child’s backtalk or refusal could actually stem from feeling disconnected from learning. When lessons move too fast, don’t make sense, or are delivered in a format that doesn’t click, kids start to shut down—sometimes loudly, sometimes silently.

In these moments, we need to ask: is my child refusing, or retreating? Is he resisting because he wants to, or because he doesn’t feel capable of succeeding?

It’s not always obvious which it is. But there are telltale signs. If your child:

• Gets irritable or silly when it's time for homework
• Makes sarcastic or defensive comments about school
• Seems more focused on getting a reaction than getting the right answer

Then chances are, the problem isn’t attitude—it’s a child who feels lost and doesn’t know how to say it in an acceptable way.

Understanding your child’s learning style

At this stage, the question becomes: what kind of learner is my child? Some kids need to move while learning. Others need to hear an explanation several times—or in a different format—to truly absorb it. Just because a child doesn’t write neatly or listen quietly doesn’t mean they’re being disrespectful. It might mean they’re being mismatched.

Leo, for example, remembered everything he heard, but struggled with text-heavy assignments. His mom started using a tool that turned his written lessons into audio, which he could listen to while walking the dog or sitting under a tree. The difference was stunning: once Leo got the content in a format that matched how he learns, he started participating more and pushing back less.

(For parents wondering about similar tools: the Skuli App includes an option to turn written lessons into narrated audio or even immersive adventures where your child is the hero. Some children blossom simply because they can finally hear what they couldn’t read on their own.)

Rethinking how we respond to "attitude"

When we treat every eye roll or argument as defiance that needs correction, we might be missing an invitation. A child who lashes out could be saying: "This feels too hard." Or even: "I feel like a failure, so I’m going to act like I don’t care." Our job isn’t to excuse hurtful behavior—but to understand its roots so we can respond with both firmness and compassion.

Does that mean letting everything slide? No. But it does mean pausing before we punish, and asking: what might be going on underneath?

Here’s a helpful frame: every behavior is either a skill or a signal. If your child had the skills to manage frustration, organize their thoughts, or stay focused—they’d probably use them. If they’re not, something's getting in the way.

What parents can do differently—today

Start by shifting your lens. Instead of thinking “Why is he being like this?” try “What is he trying to tell me?”

If you suspect your child is acting out due to frustration, confusion, or feeling overlooked, here are meaningful ways to respond:

• Connect before correcting: Give them space to talk before enforcing a rule. Ask: “Was that assignment hard for you?” or “Do you want to tell me more about what happened in class?”
• Get curious about their learning: Together, explore what types of learning feel easiest. Would they rather listen than read? Build things with their hands? Let their curiosity guide your support.
• Work with—not against—their energy: Some kids fidget, some pace. Instead of forcing them to sit still, ask: What if their movement is part of how they focus?

And most importantly: don’t let one word—like “insolent”—define your child. Language has power, and the labels we accept can shape how we respond. Your child deserves to be seen for who they truly are—not the surface behaviors that mask their needs.