How to Respond with Kindness When Your Child Lies

You’ve just caught your child in a lie—now what?

It starts out small. A missing homework sheet they swear they turned in. A forgotten test they insist wasn’t on the schedule. Maybe it’s something bigger: they’re pretending they studied when they didn’t. As parents, these moments hit us hard. Not just because of the lie, but because we wonder, “Why would they lie to me? What does this say about our relationship?”

Before the frustration bubbles over, take a breath. Lying is a normal (though difficult) part of childhood development. And how we respond to it—especially with kids aged 6 to 12—can either build trust or break it.

Why do children lie?

Let’s begin with empathy. When a child lies, it’s often not because they’re trying to manipulate us, but because they’re trying to avoid something: punishment, disappointment, a sense of failure. School-related stress, in particular, can lead kids to hide the truth. Maybe your child lied about finishing their math homework not because they’re lazy, but because they didn’t understand it and felt embarrassed.

This is the age when kids start becoming aware of expectations—ours, their teachers’, their peers’. With that awareness often comes fear of not measuring up. A lie may seem like a quick fix, even if it ultimately makes things worse.

Responding with kindness doesn’t mean letting it slide

Being gentle doesn’t mean being permissive. You can hold your child accountable without shaming them. The tone we take when we respond to a lie can determine whether our child chooses to open up—or shut down—even more next time.

Instead of confronting your child with anger (“Why would you lie to me?”), try curiosity: “I noticed you said your homework was done, but your teacher emailed me that it wasn’t handed in. Can we talk about what happened?”

Using compassionate communication tools can open the door to honesty and help your child feel safe enough to tell the truth—even when it’s hard.

A story many parents will recognize

A mother once told me about her 9-year-old son, Lucas, who kept insisting he had no homework. Two weeks in, his teacher finally revealed he hadn’t handed in any assignments. The mom felt betrayed and furious—but when she paused and asked him gently, Lucas admitted he didn't understand the class lessons, and pretending he had no homework meant no one would find out.

His lie wasn’t about deceit—it was about saving face. Together, they started breaking the homework into smaller pieces, finding ways for him to review lessons through fun quizzes made from photos of his exercises. (Some apps, like Skuli, even allow you to snap a picture of the lesson and turn it into a 20-question quiz—Lucas found that more engaging and less overwhelming than a worksheet.)

The lying stopped. The learning began.

Building a more truthful relationship

If honesty is the destination, connection is the highway. Children who feel emotionally safe make better choices, even when it’s hard. So how do we make our home a safe space for telling the truth?

• Stay calm, even when it’s hard. Reacting with anger or sarcasm makes confessing mistakes feel dangerous.
• Be curious, not accusatory. Try, “What made you decide to say that?” rather than “How could you lie to me?”
• Focus on repair, not punishment. Guide your child to make amends: write the missing essay, apologize to a teacher, or look together at better strategies.
• Avoid shaming labels. Say, “That choice wasn’t honest” instead of “You’re a liar.”

And remember—shame shuts kids down. Labeling and shame may stop the behavior in the moment but breed secrecy and anxiety long-term. Positive parenting is about teaching, not punishing.

Creating systems to support honesty

Supportive routines help children manage school stress more effectively. For example, if your child keeps lying about doing homework, investigate why. Is the workload too much? Are the instructions unclear? Do they need help focusing?

You can also incorporate play into study time. Some kids retain lessons better by listening. Turning dry material into an audio adventure—especially one where your child is the hero and their first name is used—can make abstract content feel personal and exciting. Little touches like these lower the emotional burden around schoolwork and make your child more likely to ask for help rather than hide.

If screens are at the root of conflicts and lies, now’s also a good time to revisit how you’re setting screen limits at home.

Repairing trust, one moment at a time

Lying strains trust, but also gives us a powerful opportunity: to show our children that honesty is safe with us. Each time you respond with calm strength, you teach your child that they don’t need to lie to stay loved, safe, or accepted.

And if they’ve been struggling for a while—if lies have become a pattern—start with small wins. Ask directly, “Is there anything you’d like to share with me today? I won’t be mad—I just want to understand and help.”

Over time, you’ll begin to see changes. It won’t happen overnight, but you can lay a foundation of trust that lasts far beyond the school years.

For more on parenting without pressure, read how to motivate your child without threats or bribes, or uncover gentle ways to gain cooperation.