How to Respond with Empathy When Your Child Doesn’t Obey

The moment your child says “no”... again

It's 6:30 pm. You’re tired, dinner’s on the stove, there’s homework still waiting, and your 8-year-old just flat-out refused to go brush their teeth—for the fourth time this week. It’s tempting to shout. Or threaten. Or throw your hands up and claim defeat.

But somewhere deep down, something holds you back. What if there’s a better way—one that doesn’t wear both of you down?

Every defiant “no” from your child can feel like a tiny rejection. But what if, instead of seeing it as a power struggle, we could approach it as a signpost pointing to something deeper: a child trying to be heard, to assert themselves, to feel safe?

Understanding the why behind “disobedience”

The first step in reacting with empathy is to see disobedience not as bad behavior, but as communication. A child who says “no” might actually be saying, “I’m exhausted,” or “This feels overwhelming and I don’t know how to say it,” or even “I’m craving your attention.”

For example, when Matteo, 10, stomped off instead of starting his reading assignment, his father, Luis, initially felt disrespected. But pausing for a moment, he realized Matteo had just come from a long, loud day at school followed by sports practice. Instead of insisting, Luis invited Matteo to tell him how he was feeling. The words came slowly—Matteo was tired and embarrassed by how behind he felt in reading. That changed everything.

Reacting with kindness doesn’t mean saying yes to everything

Being a kind, responsive parent doesn’t mean leaving your boundaries at the door. Children need limits—they’re comforting and grounding. But how we express those limits makes all the difference.

Instead of “Because I said so,” try, “I know brushing teeth is your least favorite thing right now, but we all need healthy mouths. I’ll come with you and we’ll race the timer.”

If this gentle limit-setting feels hard, that’s completely normal. Our own upbringings didn’t always model this. Taking small steps toward setting boundaries without resorting to punishment is powerful—and possible.

Connection must come before correction

Think of the last time you had to follow a tough instruction at work. If it came from someone who understood and respected you, you probably felt more willing to do it. Children are no different.

Connection builds trust. Trust creates cooperation. One of the best ways to build this connection is through simple, intentional moments of joy: ten minutes a day of one-on-one play, eye contact, and shared laughter. These seemingly small acts pave the way for mutual understanding, even in hard moments.

Take a pause before you respond

When your child disobeys, you can feel it—your heart speeds up, your tone sharpens, your patience thins. In that moment, your nervous system is reacting instinctively. But what your child often needs isn’t your reaction—it’s your regulation.

That looks like taking a breath before speaking. Walking away for a moment if you need to. Quietly naming your own emotion: “I’m feeling really angry right now. I need a second.” Not only does this give you space to respond better—it teaches your child that difficult emotions aren’t dangerous.

Create safe structures that reduce friction

Many so-called disobedient moments are actually preventable. A child who knows what to expect and feels empowered in their own routine is far less likely to resist. That’s where structure—done with kindness—comes in.

For children who struggle with transitions, learning tasks, or homework time, making the task feel manageable and even playful can work wonders. One parent shared how their daughter, Clara, who often resisted reviewing science lessons, lit up when she became the hero of an audio story where her own name was the main character solving mysteries in space. (This was made possible thanks to a feature in the Skuli App, which turns lesson content into personalized audio adventures.) It wasn’t a fight anymore—it was her favorite story.

It’s not about the toothbrush – it’s about the relationship

The truth is, these daily moments of conflict—refusing to do a chore, ignoring instructions, rolling their eyes—are never just about the task. They’re opportunities. Opportunities to build a resilient, warm, respectful relationship where mistakes are safe, emotions are welcome, and your child feels seen.

This won’t happen in a day. It will be messy, with useless bedtime arguments and stubborn tears on both sides. But over time, choosing empathy over control doesn’t just change your child—it transforms how you feel as a parent too.

Start where you are

You don’t need to get it perfect. You just need to start noticing: What might my child be trying to tell me through this behavior? What can I do to make them feel safe and seen, even when I set a boundary?

If all you can offer one afternoon is a deep breath and a “Let’s try again,” that’s a beautiful beginning.

For more on creating emotional safety in daily life and supporting independence in homework time, or for inspiration on better communication patterns, we’ve gathered reflections and strategies that might help you navigate this journey with a little more grace.

Because even when your child doesn’t obey, they’re still watching, listening, and learning—especially from how you respond.