How to Involve Your Child in Setting Their Own School Goals (Without the Power Struggles)

When Motivation Isn’t the Problem: It's Ownership

Recently, I spoke with a mother—let’s call her Aline—who had hit her limit. Her 9-year-old son, Lucas, never wanted to do homework. Worse, when she tried to encourage him with rewards or consequences, it always ended the same way: arguments, tears, or silent refusal. "He just doesn’t care," she told me. But after a few more minutes of talking, it became clear he did care—he simply didn’t feel like he had any control over his world.

What Lucas lacked wasn’t motivation. It was ownership. And once we started thinking less about how to make him achieve and more about how to help him choose what achievement meant to him, things began to change.

The Power of Goals—When They're Not Yours

We often think it's our job, as parents, to establish the goals: "You need to finish your homework," "You should get at least a B on this test," or "You have to read 30 minutes every evening." But these goals, while well-intentioned, are usually our goals. To truly motivate a child—and reduce daily stress in your home—they need to feel these goals are their own.

Kids between 6 and 12 are forming a sense of autonomy. If they believe a goal was imposed, they’ll resist it. But if they have a hand in setting it—even just the wording—they feel empowered. That empowerment is where ownership, and lasting motivation, begins.

Start with Conversations, Not Checklists

Children aren’t spreadsheets. They won’t track a list of tasks unless they know why it matters to them. Begin with a conversation. Not a lecture.

Try questions like:

• “What’s something you feel proud of at school lately?”
• “What’s one thing you’d like to feel better about?”
• “If school could feel just a little more fun or easy, what would that look like?”

Pay close attention to their answers. If your child says, “I want to be faster at math so I can finish before recess,” that’s a real goal—one based in their world. Much more powerful than, “You should improve your math grade.”

In fact, this guide on turning your child's goals into adventures has some lovely inspiration for how to go even deeper.

Break It Down Together

Once a goal is defined—perhaps "I want to get better at writing stories"—stop yourself from jumping into solutions. Instead, ask: “What do you think would help with that?” If they’re not sure, offer two or three choices.

No pressure. No lectures. Just collaboration.

“Would it help if we practiced writing tiny stories at bedtime? Or if we made your own mini-book on a weekend?”

In doing this, you’re not just making them part of the planning. You’re teaching them how people reach goals: through design, iteration, and personal meaning.

Visualize Progress with Something Tangible

Kids are concrete thinkers. Abstract goals like “be more confident” don’t always land. But visuals—even simple ones—can change that. A goal tracker with colorful stickers, a paper mountain where each milestone is a step up, or just a shared notebook of small wins can make huge differences.

Better yet, look for tools that make progress feel like an adventure. One mom I know used an app to turn her daughter’s lesson on habitats into a personalized audio quest where she was the hero—narrating her own discovery of ecosystems using her first name. The quest ended with a quiz that tested her understanding, disguised as monsters she had to outsmart. That journey didn’t just teach her science—it gave her a sense of ownership over learning itself.

That same approach is available to you: using something like the Skuli App, which can turn your child’s lessons into personalized audio adventures can help you build ownership and fun into daily learning without extra effort on your part.

Check In—Not Check Up

Once a goal is in motion, resist the urge to track it for them. Instead, create gentle rituals of checking in. Ask at dinner: “How’s your adventurer story coming along?” or “Remember your goal about finishing math before recess—how’s that going?”

Even if nothing has progressed, hold the space. Ask what got in the way, and if they want to adjust the goal. This teaches flexibility, not failure. For more on how to avoid pressure during this process, this article on low-stress goal tracking is a gentle read.

When Things Stall (And They Will)

All initiatives hit friction. Even motivated kids will forget their goals, lose energy, or get discouraged. That doesn’t mean you failed. It doesn’t even mean they failed. It just means it’s time to rethink the goal—or to explore whether it still matters to them.

I’ve found that using little daily challenges—like a 5-minute quiz or a pretend mission on a subject they’re working on—can reignite interest quickly. Here’s how one family did it using silly daily dares and surprises based on current school topics.

Let Their Goals Grow with Them

Growing up is not linear. Neither is goal-setting. Between the ages of 6 and 12, a child’s focus changes rapidly—from dinosaurs one month to outer space the next. That’s normal. Let their goals evolve. Revisit often, and celebrate pivots as much as accomplishments.

The secret is not in perfect planning—but in ongoing partnership. For more ways to turn goal-setting into meaningful quests, this piece breaks it down with relatable examples.

A Final Word: You’re Not Alone in This

Parenting a child who struggles with school isn’t a job for the faint-hearted. And the path to goal-setting will include detours, backtracks, and some very sticky days. But when you replace pressure with partnership—when you let your child author their own goals—you give them something far more powerful than achievement. You give them agency.