How to Help Your Child Believe in Their Abilities

When Your Child Doubts Themselves

You're trying to help with math homework again. After a few mistakes, your child throws down their pencil and says, “I’m just stupid.” You feel that heart-sinking ache. Not because of the homework, but because you see them giving up before they’ve even begun. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

Between the ages of 6 and 12, children begin to compare themselves to others. School becomes more demanding, and their academic identity starts to form. For a child who struggles, these years can be especially hard. But here’s the good news: self-belief is not fixed—it can be nurtured, rebuilt, and protected. And you—as tired, worried, and busy as you may be—are one of the most powerful influences in that process.

The Hidden Messages Your Child Hears

Many kids who struggle at school begin absorbing invisible messages: "I'm not smart," "I can't do this," or even worse, "No one expects me to get it, anyway." And here's the kicker: these beliefs don't disappear when tests are over or grades improve. Without intervention, they often solidify.

Take Emily, for example, a 9-year-old who had trouble with reading aloud. Her mom noticed she had gradually stopped volunteering at school and avoided bedtime stories. At first, it looked like a behavioral issue, but under the frustration was something deeper: fear and shame around not being “as good” as the other kids. (You can read Emily’s story here.)

Connection Comes Before Confidence

Here’s something we often forget when we’re trying to motivate our kids: no one learns well when they’re scared or ashamed. Before children can tackle long division or craft that book report, their brains need to feel safe. Not passive-safe, but connected-safe—respected, heard, and encouraged.

Try taking a break from the content and focusing on emotional connection. Ask your child what the hardest part of homework feels like. Let them know that feeling stuck doesn’t mean they aren’t smart. Use phrases like “I can see this is really frustrating, but I’m right here with you” or “Let’s figure it out together.”

These small moments of understanding can be surprisingly powerful. For many children, they start to quietly rewrite the script they’ve been telling themselves.

Shifting the Narrative with Small Wins

Confidence rarely comes from praise alone—it grows from experience. That’s why children who believe in their abilities usually have one thing in common: they’ve collected small, meaningful victories.

This doesn’t mean you have to stage a big turnaround. In fact, aiming too high can backfire. Instead, look for what your child does right—especially during struggles.

• Did they try a second time when they usually give up?
• Did they ask for help instead of shutting down?
• Did they remember one of the spelling words from last week?

Point out these wins with specificity: “You kept trying even when it got hard—that’s real bravery.” Reinforcing the process, not just the result, helps children internalize the message: I’m someone who can learn.

To make these wins more tangible, some parents turn to creative tools. One mom shared how her son, who dreaded studying, discovered joy in listening to his lessons as audio stories during their commute. With the Skuli App, they transformed science texts into narrated adventures where he was the hero—using his name, voice-acted narration, and sounds that brought the facts to life. Not only did his engagement soar, but he also began volunteering answers in class, proud of what he knew.

Let Encouragement Become a Daily Practice

No child is born believing they can’t succeed. It’s a belief quietly shaped over time—and fortunately, it can be reshaped just the same. Genuine encouragement is one of the most effective tools we have.

But encouragement isn’t the same as praise. According to research (and parenting experience), encouragement focuses on effort, resilience, and the child’s internal character—not just outcomes. Check out this article on how encouragement builds confidence in children for ideas on how to use language that empowers kids to believe in their abilities long-term.

Here’s something you can start right now. At bedtime, ask your child this question: “What’s something you did today that took courage?” At first, they might say “nothing.” That’s okay. Offer your own example from their day. “Well, I noticed you asked a question in class—that's something not everyone is brave enough to do.” As confidence grows, this ritual becomes a reminder: efforts matter. Mistakes are part of learning. And they are not alone.

What Belief Looks Like

Confidence isn’t always loud. Sometimes, belief shows up quietly: in the child who walks into school without hesitation, or in the one who agrees to read aloud after weeks of resistance. It shows up when they first say, “I think I can try again.”

And when belief flickers dimly, as it sometimes will, you’ll be there to hold the light a little longer, until they can see it again themselves.

For more on nurturing self-esteem through everyday routines, especially for kids in grades 4 and 5, here’s a deeper guide: How to Build Your Child’s Self-Esteem in Grade 4 or 5. Or for a lighter yet equally impactful approach, explore this curated list of bedtime books that boost confidence.

And remember: you don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to keep showing up. With every kind word, every moment of patience, every story read aloud, you are helping your child believe, not just in school—but in themselves.