He Keeps Getting Punished at School: Is It Really Just Bad Behavior?

When Misunderstood Behavior Becomes a Pattern

You're sitting in yet another parent-teacher meeting, listening patiently as your child’s teacher explains—in the gentlest way possible—that your child disrupted the class, again. Maybe he refused to complete an assignment. Maybe she talked back. Maybe it was as small as not staying in her seat, or as significant as escalating into a shouting match. And now your child is facing detention, or losing recess, or being sent to the principal’s office. Again.

If this scene feels familiar, you’re not alone—and neither is your child.

Before we jump to label these repeated incidents as “bad behavior,” it’s worth pausing and asking: What’s really going on underneath?

What Looks Like Defiance Might Be Distress

Children between the ages of 6 and 12 are in a powerful moment of brain development. They're learning to regulate emotions, navigate social dynamics, and absorb increasingly complex academic material. For some children, especially those who aren't perfectly wired for the traditional classroom environment, this is a heavy lift.

In many cases, what appears as disobedience is actually a reaction to internal frustrations, unmet needs, or emotional overload. This article on subtle signs of emotional struggle dives deeper into how kids often express internal turmoil through external behavior.

A child who keeps getting up during class may not be defiant; they might be struggling with attention issues or sensory sensitivities. A child who "talks back" may actually be overwhelmed and trying—in the only way they know—to express resistance to something they find confusing or painful.

Why ‘Trying Harder’ Isn’t Always the Answer

Parents are often told their child needs to try harder: Focus more. Sit still. Be more responsible. But trying harder isn't possible if your child is already doing their best and still can't cope. In fact, expecting “more effort” from a child already at their limit can deepen feelings of failure.

This is especially true for kids who don’t fit the traditional school mold. In this reflection on nontraditional learners, we explore why some kids simply aren’t wired to thrive in today’s classrooms—and how understanding that can shift everything.

Behavior isn’t always a reflection of will; sometimes, it’s a reflection of skill—or the lack of support for developing those skills.

Creating a Bridge Between Home and School

So what can you do, as a parent trying to build that bridge between a struggling child and a school environment that isn’t quite built for them?

Start by looking for patterns. Are there certain times of day when the behavior shows up? Certain subjects? Is your child running into conflict with certain teaching styles? Gathering this kind of intelligence helps you advocate more effectively with the school—and helps your child feel seen and supported, not blamed.

Children also need tools to better engage with academic tasks in ways that fit how their brain works. For example, if your child zones out or gets overwhelmed by reading-heavy lessons, transforming those lessons into audio may help them grasp the content in a calmer, more focused way. Some parents have had real success during car rides by simply playing an audio version of what their child learned that day—an option now delightfully accessible thanks to tools like the Skuli App, which can turn written schoolwork into personalized audio adventures where your child becomes the hero of their own story.

Reframing the Idea of Punishment

Repeated punishment often breeds resentment and shame, not reflection. One useful approach is to shift from a punishment mindset to a teaching mindset. What does my child need to learn from this moment? Not just academically—but emotionally, socially, and in terms of coping skills?

That might mean working with the school to develop a behavior plan rooted in positive reinforcement rather than consequences. Or it may mean seeking out professional evaluations to better understand if things like ADHD, anxiety, learning differences, or sensory processing issues are playing a role. Here's a helpful guide on recognizing attention issues if you suspect this might be the case.

Your Child Is Not Broken

Perhaps the most important reminder of all: your child is not bad. He is not broken. She is not lazy. And you are not a failure as a parent.

You’re doing something incredible by being curious instead of critical, by choosing understanding over judgment. It’s easy to lecture, to punish, to feel embarrassed in front of other parents who seem to have it "all together." It’s not easy to keep showing up for a child who’s struggling, to keep digging until you hit the real root of the issue.

If your child seems disengaged, angry, avoidant, or defiant, don’t assume they simply don’t care. Often, they care deeply—but they’ve stopped believing they can succeed.

What You Can Do Tomorrow

So where do you start, tomorrow morning?

• Have one small, calm conversation with your child—not about behavior, but about how school feels to them.
• Talk to their teacher, not just about rules, but about what triggers seem to bring on the issues.
• Begin looking for ways to change how your child interacts with learning, so it starts to feel safe, fun, and doable again.

And remember: small changes, made with love, can have a profound impact.

Compassion—more than compliance—might just be the path forward.