Do Compliments Really Build Confidence in Children?

Your Kind Words Matter—But Maybe Not How You Think

You’ve probably been there: your child comes home defeated after a tough day at school, eyes downcast because they stumbled on a math test or forgot their lines in the school play. Instinctively, you tell them, “You’re so smart!” or “You did great!” hoping your words can smooth over the cracks in their self-esteem. But then… nothing seems to change. The next challenge hits, and they still crumble. So, what gives? Do compliments actually help build confidence—or could they be missing the mark?

The Difference Between Flattery and Empowerment

Compliments can be nourishing, like water for a sapling. But just as too much water can drown a young tree, overloading your child with vague or unearned praise can leave them unsure of their actual abilities. As one weary parent once told me, “I tell her a hundred times how proud I am, but it slides right off her. She just doesn’t believe me.”

That’s the heart of it: compliments work best when they affirm a truth your child recognizes in themselves. Otherwise, they risk sounding hollow. Praising your child just for trying is important—but praising them for trying in a specific, clear, and meaningful way is where the magic lives.

Recognize Effort, Not Just Achievement

Imagine your child spent the evening working through a complex science worksheet, even though they didn’t finish it perfectly. Instead of saying, “You’re so smart,” consider something more grounded: “I saw how you kept going even when it got tricky—that kind of focus is going to help you in so many ways.”

This kind of praise helps children develop what researchers call a growth mindset: the belief that abilities are buildable, not fixed. And with that mindset, kids are likelier to take healthy risks, recover from failures, and approach school—and life—without fear of imperfection.

For more on this skill, explore our guide on how to recognize small wins to build your child's confidence.

The Role of Internal Validation

Children, especially those aged 6 to 12, are navigating big emotional and cognitive leaps. During this time, their confidence needs to come from within, not just from others. Your child might smile when you tell them they did a good job, but what really sticks is how they begin to tell themselves that same thing. The goal isn’t to make them reliant on compliments, but to help them build genuine self-trust.

That begins with reflection. Help your child notice what they’re proud of—not just what others applaud. Ask questions like:

• "What part of this project did you enjoy the most?"
• "Which step was hardest for you, and how did you get through it?"
• "Would you do anything differently next time?"

These conversations gently guide them to internalize their growth, rather than performing for external praise.

When Compliments Hurt More Than Help

Some kids, particularly those who are shy or perfectionistic, can experience compliments as pressure. “If Mom thinks I’m really smart, I can’t make any mistakes.” Suddenly, what was meant to boost confidence becomes a burden. If your child avoids challenges or refuses to try unless they’re sure they’ll succeed, it might be worth reevaluating how praise is being used.

For children who are especially sensitive to what others think, this internal pressure can intensify. You might want to read more about how to help your child overcome fear of what others think at school.

Confidence Through Storytelling and Experience

One of the most powerful ways to nurture confidence isn't through praise at all—it’s through storytelling, both spoken and lived. Children learn who they are by the stories they hear about themselves. That’s why shared moments reviewing schoolwork together, or celebrating how they stuck with something hard, can become lasting internal narratives.

Some tools make this easier for busy families. For example, one parent told me their child, who struggles with reading comprehension, lights up when their written lessons are turned into personalized audio adventures—where they are the hero, navigating challenges and solving problems. One such tool, the Skuli App, even lets you insert your child’s name into these stories, helping them hear themselves succeed, literally.

This isn't about entertainment. It’s about placing your child into a story where they triumph—not because someone complimented them, but because they took action, made decisions, and persevered. And that’s the kind of confidence that sticks.

We dive deeper into this idea in our piece on why a nurturing home environment builds true confidence.

The Confidence Your Child Deserves

Confidence is rarely built in one moment. It’s not found solely in compliments, no matter how heartfelt. Instead, it’s a slow-growing belief shaped by steady encouragement, meaningful feedback, and opportunities to try, fail, and try again. Your words matter—but even more powerful is the way you help your child see their own journey.

So the next time you're tempted to say “Good job”—pause. See what’s underneath that moment of effort. Reflect it back with love, honesty, and clarity. And if your child is struggling with something deeper—like a reluctance to raise their hand, or avoiding homework out of fear—this could be a good moment to explore how to support shy kids without pushing too hard.

In the end, confidence comes when children stop needing to be told they can do it—because they've experienced the truth of it for themselves.